


Don't You Lift Me (Let Me Drown Alive)

by zabimaru69103



Series: I've Never Loved a Darker Blue [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, Langst, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Violence, Nightmares, Self-Esteem Issues, Sleep Deprivation, asshole shiro, klangst, overprotective shiro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-03 19:03:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11538525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zabimaru69103/pseuds/zabimaru69103
Summary: “KEITH!” Lance didn’t know if the cry was his or Shiro’s. He saw a flash of red in front of him, raised his bayard, ignored a glimpse of purple out of his peripheral vision...“Lance, no-!”And fired.A mission goes terribly wrong and leaves Lance questioning his place on the team while the team is questioning Lance's state of mind.





	1. Monday Left Me Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome back to I've Never Loved a Darker Blue. This is the first chapter of the story from Lance's point of view. Just as a warning in case you didn't read the tags, there are descriptions of sleep deprivation, hallucinations, hearing voices, and hints of depression. If you're uncomfortable with any of those things then please click your back button and do not continue. If you're on board with some serious Langst then please continue but first! A huge shout out to my beta reader: [buttered-poptarts](http://buttered-poptarts.tumblr.com/) and also a huge thank you to everyone who read the first installment and left kudos and comments. The wonderful reception I received from [I'll Walk on Water to Lend You Some Air](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11222277') gave me the courage and confidence to continue. So thanks!

Lance had always found the castle to be a pretty cool feet of engineering. Definitely not as cool as their lions but still impressive. Hunk and Pidge could go on for hours about it. What he didn’t find very impressive was that the gems that powered everything were so easily damaged and always in the most ridiculous places to get when they needed to be replaced. 

It had all started with a Galra prison rig. Ever since Pidge had found that small bit of data on Matt they had been determined to investigate and liberate any prison, or prison ship, they came across. So far, the team had done a neat job of liberating a number of prison camps and while they hadn’t found Matt yet, it was still a blow to Zarkon and his empire and helped people in the process. Lance liked to count that as a win. 

Their latest prison liberation had been a simple battle; more of a scuffle really. There hadn’t been that many Galra stationed on the rig and once the prisoners had seen five robotic lions kicking some major Galra tail they had revolted. The whole thing had lasted maybe one varga. The problem had come after the battle. They had been getting prisoners situated into pods to get them off the rig when one of the prisoners had accidently fired a stray shot from the blaster they had snagged from a Galra. The shot managed to damage some of the crystals powering the castle’s telecommunications. Without the crystals the castle couldn’t send or receive any communications including to the lions. At least the paladins could still speak to each other. The prisoner had been beside themselves but, lucky enough, another prisoner had heard of a system close by where these particular crystals could be found. In Lance’s opinion, it was no harm done as long as they got the comms fixed. 

After all the released prisoners had been sent on their way, they had traveled to the Fernova system to try and locate the crystals. Coran and Pidge’s scans had shown an uninhabited planet that had the materials they needed. Lance, of course, volunteered to go. Exploring new worlds was the reason he’d signed up for the Garrison in the first place. In the end, they all went. Coran had told them that the planet, the name had been lost centuries ago, was covered in fog but Lance hadn’t been prepared for it to be so thick. 

They had decided to split up and fan out to search for the particular crystal that they needed. Lance hadn’t been a huge fan of the plan since visibility was practically zero but he’d been outvoted in favor of speed since they were cut off from the castle until they got the crystals.

“Is no one else concerned by this fog? Seriously?” He asked into their com link as he carefully tried not to fall flat on his face. No easy task since he couldn’t see below his waist or past his elbows when he held his arms straight out in front of him.

“There’s nothing to worry about, Lance. The scans came back clean.” Pidge countered. They didn’t sound worried at all. Of course they didn’t.

“You clearly have not seen the same horror movies I have.” Lance grumbled as he picked his way around a tree he’d nearly walked right into.

“At least it’s flat.” Hunk chimed in. “Could you imagine if it had been a mountainous planet? Then we would have to worry about falling off of cliffs instead of running into- Owe! Rocks! Yeah, that was definitely a rock.”

“Hunk are you-“ Lance froze as the air and fog shifted around him suddenly. “Uh guys? This is going to sound crazy but I think the fog just moved.” He cautioned, raising his bayard in the direction he’d felt the shift.

“What do you mean ‘it moved’?” There was a tremor in Hunk’s voice. He was probably thinking of the same horror movies as Lance. They had watched them together back on Earth after all. “Wait...you don’t mean it moved like  _ The Fog _ , do you? As in vengeful ghosts are going to try and kill us?”

“No, Hunk. It moved as in something really big and really fast just moved near me and I couldn’t see it because of this stupid fog.” Lance replied in a rush as he felt it again, this time from a different direction.

Pidge just made a slightly annoyed, and yet somehow fond, sound. “You two are imagining things. Stop thinking about dumb scary movies and focus. If there was nothing on the scans then there’s nothing out here.” Their reasoning was sound but Lance wasn’t convinced. He was the one being followed by weird shifting fog.

“Pidge, I know your science is holy to you and you have complete trust in your nifty gadgets but I am telling you  _ something  _ is out here,” Lance argued. He was trying to keep an eye on all the angles around him, which was fairly pointless considering he could barely see a foot in any direction. Keith’s voice came as a slight surprise since he’d been waiting for Pidge to come back at him with more science.

“Pidge, is it possible that something could mask its heat signature? It wouldn’t show up on the scans then right?” Lance could have kissed that mullet headed genius. Well, there were a lot of reasons he could kiss Keith,  _ would _ if given the chance to, but this one was taking the cake right now.

“Thank you! See, even our fearless samurai agrees with me.” While he was quick to point that out, he hadn’t actually stopped to think about the implications of Keith’s statement. “Wait, did you say ‘mask their heat signature’? I swear if the Predator comes out of this fog and I end up skinned alive I will haunt every single one of you.”

“Hmm,” He could practically hear the gears turning in Pidge’s head as they thought it over. “I…suppose it’s possible. The masking of heat signatures part, not the Predator part. We haven’t seen that kind of tech or biology before but I guess with all the other weird shit we’ve seen it’s not impossible. To be clear, this isn’t me agreeing. I’m just saying it’s not impossible.”

Keith and Lance didn’t really have anything to say to that but Hunk’s groan came through loud and clear. “Oh man.”

“Come on guys let’s just focus on getting what we need, alright? But keep your guard up, just in case.” Shiro’s voice was the next to cut in. “The sooner we get those crystals the sooner we can get back to the castle.” Shiro always had the best advice and he always managed to stay so calm. Lance was a little envious of that but his appreciation of Shiro far out weighed his jealousy. That was why Shiro was in charge and he was more than happy to follow his suggestion. Get the crystals and get out as quickly as possible; Lance thought it was a sound plan. 

A few hours later and Lance was starting to question his own sanity. Had he really seen the fog shift? He hadn’t felt or seen any more shifts since those first two. Maybe he could finally drop his guard a little. Pidge and Hunk had found the materials they were looking for so he, Keith, and Shiro were making their way to them. They could get off this rock soon.

“Has anybody seen anything?” Shiro asked as they got closer. There were negatives from everyone. “Lance are you sure you-“

“Ahhh!” Pidge’s cry suddenly cut Shiro off as it rang through all of their helmets.

“Pidge!” Lance called out as he took off at a run.

“Pidge, Hunk, status now.” Shiro sounded calmer than Lance felt but Shiro was the master of sounding calm. For a few ticks there wasn’t any response and then finally Hunk’s voice came through.

“We’re ok! I think. For now anyway.” He sounded freaked out and it caused Lance to move faster through the fog with a little less caution of what he might run into.

“What do you mean ‘for now’? What happened?” Keith questioned. He sounded like he was running too.

“I dunno! We were collecting this crystal stuff and something slammed into Pidge and took off. We never saw it.” Hunk explained. “Pidge got the wind knocked out of them but that was it.”

“Pidge is fine.” Pidge grumbled and Lance couldn’t help but smile a bit. He really did love that sassy little gremlin. “I just needed a chance to catch my breath. We have the crystal but I don’t think that thing is gone.”

A noise came through the coms then; something like a growl but low and guttural. It was not pleasant. It grew louder before Pidge and Hunk started yelling and Lance recognized the sound of their bayards activating.

“We’re almost there guys!” He called out to them. He didn’t get a response back but he could hear the sounds of fighting. Once he was close enough he could see the fog swirling from the movement of the fight. Whatever was in there was bigger and faster than he had realized. There were flashes of green and purple: Pidge’s bayard and Shiro’s arm. Shiro had already gotten there then; that was good. There was a split second were Lance saw something through the fog, a solid form that was definitely not his fellow paladins, and without a moment’s hesitation he raised his bayard and fired. He’d been expecting an animal like sound from whatever was attacking them. He hadn’t been prepared for Pidge’s cry of pain.

“Pidge?!” Had he missed? Had the thing gotten them? Lance didn’t want to think about that possibility. He started to run towards them again but Shiro’s voice stopped him in his tracks.

“Stay out of this, Lance! You just hit Pidge. This isn’t the type of fight you’re suited for.” Lance stood there frozen. He’d…hit Pidge? But they hadn’t been near where he was firing. At least he thought they hadn’t. It had been as a clear of a shot as he could get in this fog. His stomach rolled uncomfortably at the thought of hurting his friend. He was about to call out to Pidge, to see what kind of damage he’d done but Hunk was yelling something again. Lance missed it but the urgency in his voice had him wanting to run in and help. Shiro’s words and thinking about Pidge’s cry of pain had him hesitating. What if he hit one of them again?

“Keith!” Shiro was yelling. “Hunk, stay with Pidge.” That was an order; Lance could hear it in his tone. He saw movement through the fog again: one large form followed by a much smaller one that had a faint purple glow.

“What’s going on?!” Lance demanded, his feet already carrying him after Shiro.

“That thing took Keith! Just snapped him up. Shiro’s gone after him but Pidge is hurt real bad. I’m staying with them.” He didn’t say it was because of Lance’s shot. He didn’t need to. Lance didn’t respond, just kept after Shiro and the thing that had taken Keith. Like hell Lance was letting some weird alien animal take Keith.

He had just caught up with Shiro when a scream tore through his helmet. It couldn’t even be called a scream really. Lance had never heard anything like it. There was so much pain; it didn’t even sound human and yet there was no mistaking what,  _ who _ , it was.

“KEITH!” Lance didn’t know if the cry was his or Shiro’s. He saw a flash of red in front of him, raised his bayard, ignored a glimpse of purple out of his peripheral vision... 

“Lance,  _ no-! _ ”

And fired.

There was a cry that was definitely an animal,  _ not Keith _ , and a faint thud before silence. Lance was breathing hard as he slowly turned his head to his left, where the flash of purple had come from. Shiro was standing there, not a foot from him, his Galra tech arm glowing and ready and outstretched for Lance’s bayard…outstretched for  _ Lance _ . As it deactivated, his gaze went up to Shiro’s face, whose expression was a mix of surprise and horror and for a moment they just stood there frozen. Lance had fired against orders and Shiro had been ready to use his own weapon to stop him. Lance knew that he would have to process that at some point, that they both would, but right now his thoughts flew to one person.

“Keith…” It came out as an unsteady breath as he turned and ran in the direction the cry had come from, Shiro hot on his heels. What they found was enough to make Lance wish he’d followed orders and stayed behind.

There was so much blood and right in the middle of it all was Keith, just lying there on his side. “Keith?!” Lance called for him as he dropped to his knees beside him. He didn’t get a reaction; not when he called again and not when he reached out to touch him. “Shiro…Shiro, he’s not breathing.” It was a startling realization and as he looked up at Shiro his expression was a mix of panic and desperation. They,  _ Lance _ , couldn’t lose Keith. They had to do something. Why wasn’t Shiro helping him? “Shiro?!”

Shiro was staring at the wound on Keith’s torso, his whole-body trembling. Lance was about to ask him what they should do, how they should get Keith back to the castle, when Shiro suddenly ripped him away from Keith.

“Get away from him, Lance!” It was a growl, angry and terrifying. Lance could only sit there shocked as Shiro took his place next to Keith.

“Shiro…what-“ He couldn’t even from a question before Shiro was rounding on him.

“ _ You shot him! _ That wound isn’t from teeth, Lance. That’s a blaster. That’s your quiznack-ing-” He cut himself off, turned back to Keith, and started trying to close up the wound. Lance was struggling to process what Shiro had just shouted at him. A blaster?  _ His blaster? _ That couldn't be right. It couldn't be! Could he have really hit both Pidge and Keith? And Keith…Keith wasn’t breathing. He was just laying there crumpled and pale and broken… Had he killed Keith? 

“N-No I…It was an accident! He can’t be…Shiro he can’t be!” Lance shouted back. He’d shot Keith. He’d shot Keith and now he wasn’t moving…he wasn’t breathing. Lance couldn’t think straight; couldn’t do much of anything but sit there and stare wide eyed and horrified at Keith. He didn’t notice Hunk show up. Shiro was picking Keith up and then suddenly Hunk was giving him a rough shake.

“Lance?!” His best friend’s tone was worried and frazzled and Lance jolted before looking at him in startled confusion. “Lance, come on! We have to get Pidge and Keith back to the castle.” Lance took a moment to really look at him then. He was still carrying the crystals they needed in a bag slung over one shoulder and was supporting a barely conscious Pidge with the other arm. The blue paladin’s gaze fell on Pidge’s arm, currently tucked close to their chest, and his stomach lurched. It was bloody and mangled and burned and it was Lance’s fault. He had to tear his gaze away. Shiro was already gone with Keith; when had he left? Shaking his head, Lance moved to grab the bag of crystals from Hunk so that the yellow paladin could focus on supporting Pidge. Hunk was shooting him a worried expression but they both knew this wasn’t the time so, without a word, they made their way back to the castle.

Somehow, they had made it back and gotten both Keith and Pidge into healing pods in time; They were going to be ok but it had been a close call. They had run into Allura and Coran on the way to the med bay and once Keith and Pidge had been stabilized, the princess had demanded to know what happened. Shiro hadn’t even looked at Lance but his voice was murderous when he spoke.

“Ask our sharpshooter,” was all he said before he stormed out of the med bay. The words struck Lance like a knife to the gut and it must have shown on his face as he stood there. Allura looked at him with surprised confusion for a moment before she went after Shiro. Coran was giving him a look that Lance couldn’t read but he didn’t say anything. Lance was internally begging him not to ask. If Coran asked, he had a feeling that he would break. He wasn’t sure how he was holding it together as it was. Shock maybe? It took him a while to notice that Coran and Hunk had left but once he realized he was alone he let his trembling legs give out and sank to his knees in front of the two occupied pods.

“I’m sorry,” His voice was quiet but it echoed almost like an accusation in the empty med bay.  “I’m so sorry.”

Lance didn’t leave the med bay for the first two days after the incident. He didn’t sleep, he didn’t eat; He just sat in front of the pods. He thought maybe Coran and Hunk had stopped by but he couldn’t remember or be sure of whether or not they tried to talk to him. Lance didn’t really care. He wanted to be here,  _ had _ to be here, and nothing was going to get him to move. Nothing except Shiro. Their leader hadn’t been back to the med bay and Lance was grateful for it. He knew he couldn’t face Shiro and he knew that Shiro didn’t want to see him. He also knew that eventually Shiro would come to the med bay and Lance wasn’t ready. He definitely wasn’t when the black paladin came in on the third night, alone.

He still wouldn’t look at Lance even as he walked so that he was standing right beside him in front of Keith’s pod. Lance was sitting, with his knees drawn up to his chest, still in his armor. He felt small and yet not small enough. Some part of him thought that if he could just get smaller, then the floor would swallow him and he wouldn’t have to feel this oppressive anger and disappointment rolling off of Shiro in waves.

“I told you not to shoot.” The head of Voltron’s voice was steady and deceptively calm but Lance could hear the anger lacing the words. He hugged himself tighter.

“Get off the floor, Lance.” Lance had no choice but to comply. When he was standing on shaky legs it took every ounce of willpower he had not to wrap his arms around himself protectively. His hands were still trembling; he clenched them into fists at his sides to hide them but it didn't really matter. Shiro still hadn’t looked at him.

“You could have killed them. You understand that, right? This isn’t a game or a simulation.” He understood. He knew this wasn’t a game, knew this wasn’t a simulation. This...this was all too real.

“You have to own this. This is on you. I can’t believe you thought that was the right decision. Or did you even think at all?” Shiro’s tone had gotten more agitated and Lance couldn’t help but shrink from it slightly.

“I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean to hit them. It was an accident. I thought I could help-“ Lance tried to explain but Shiro cut him off.

“An accident? Lance, this isn’t just an accident. You need to seriously think about this; about how you hurt the team with decisions like that. This isn’t the first time; it’s just the first time someone’s gotten seriously hurt.” 

Something inside of him went very quiet and very still at that comment. It left him feeling empty and cold. Shiro made it sound like he thought he hurt the team all the time. Maybe he was right. It was the garrison all over again; where they said “fix this” and gestured to all of him. It had hurt but not nearly as much as Shiro saying the same. Of course, what right did he have to feel hurt? He’d put two of his friends into healing pods and Lance wasn’t sure if there was any coming back from that.

He’d been so focused on processing Shiro’s words that he missed the glance the black paladin sent him; a quick grimace that Shiro quickly pulled away as if looking at Lance was physically painful.

“Just…get out. I honestly can’t look at you right now.” Lance couldn't decide what hurt worse: the words or the seething but quiet tone Shiro said them in. He didn’t have the energy or the courage to argue. There wasn’t anything he wanted to say, anything he  _ could _ say, to make this better. So he did as Shiro told him: left the med bay to wander the halls with no destination while his leader’s words wrecked havoc in his head. 

They were like knives, slicing him open, worming their way in until it was a constant repeat. 

_ You could have killed them.  _

_ Did you even think at all? _

There was no way to make this better. How could there be? He’d nearly killed two of his best friends. 

_ I told you not to shoot.  _

_ This is on you. _

He was having trouble breathing and when had his vision gotten bleary? Coming to a halt in the hallway, Lance brought a hand to his face and felt tears. Oh, he was crying.

A soft rumble went through him, more of a feeling than a sound.  _ Blue _ . His tired and disjointed mind supplied. Of course Blue would be trying to comfort him. Somehow it made Lance feel even worse. She didn’t deserve this; didn’t deserve a paladin like him. She deserved so much better. The whole team did. 

_ Can’t look at you right now. Just get out.  _

Lance’s decision was made before he’d fully processed it. He turned from the direction of Blue’s hangar, he hadn’t even realized he’d been heading that way, and went to his room. He couldn’t stay here, not after what he’d done. Shiro was disgusted with him, who knew what Allura and Coran thought, and how could any of the others trust him once Shiro told them what happened. Even if Pidge and Keith didn’t hate him, how could he ever face them again? It was better for everyone if he wasn’t here. Blue was growling worriedly at him. He couldn’t bring himself to respond. Didn’t she understand? She had made a mistake when she chose him. 

He felt a much angrier growl at that thought but again ignored it. Lance sluggishly changed out of his armor before scrubbing it clean of Keith’s blood. He’d forgotten that he’d been covered in it. Somewhere in the back of his brain he knew he should be freaking out about wiping blood off of his armor. Especially Keith’s blood. He wasn't. He didn't feel much of anything. Even so, he didn't think the next blue paladin should have to clean up his mess. 

Once it was clean, he set it and his bayard on the bed. It was as good a note as any. He would have rather left them in Blue’s cockpit, keeping everything the next paladin would need safe with her, but he knew that if he got in, Blue wasn’t likely to let him out. She was clawing at his mind now, fighting to reach him through their connection with so much force it was painful but Lance was too empty to reach back. He had nothing to give her. There was a roaring in his ears, drowning her out. It sounded like being underwater when the tide rolls in fast and angry. He’d never minded being underwater, loved it in fact, but this was different. This felt like drowning, with each breath hard earned through a constricting chest, limbs feeling heavier as he made his way to the pod hanger, and the constant roaring that drowned out all other sound besides Shiro’s voice in his head.

_ Get out, get out, get out! _

“Lance?” The blue paladin jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder. Hunk was there, breathing heavy like he had run here. “What are you doing by the pods?” He continued in a worried and apprehensive tone. Lance could only stare back at him in confusion. The pods? Taking a moment to look around, he found that yes, they were in fact in the hangar with the pods. When had he gotten here? 

“-sounded worried.” Lance didn’t realize that Hunk had still been speaking until he’d nearly finished. He still hadn’t let go of Lance’s shoulder. 

“What?” Lance asked distractedly. Why was Hunk here? He had to go; he had to get out. “What are you doing here?”

Hunk’s expression turned even more concerned at that. “I said Blue sent me here to find you. She sounded worried. You still haven’t answered my question: what are  _ you _ doing here?” 

Lance’s expression went pained and then manic as he answered. “I-I can't-” He tried to explain but words were quickly becoming beyond his reach. Shiro was still telling him to get out, the order getting more and more pressing. The sensation was like coming up for air only to be shoved back under. “I have to…” He tried to explain again as he gestured agitatedly at the pods. 

Realization was starting to dawn on Hunk’s face and his grip on Lance tightened. “Lance, you’re not making any sense.” His tone was careful, like he didn’t want to startle Lance. Lance didn’t have the patience for it. Running a hand angrily through his hair before looking at Hunk, he tried to explain again. 

“I have to. It’s my fault. I hurt them, Hunk. Don’t you get it? Shiro...Shiro can’t even look at me!” He had no idea how desperate he sounded or realized that he was shaking. He was more focused on the fact that Hunk didn’t understand. Hunk  _ always _ understood. Why didn’t he now?

“Lance, I need you to take a deep breath. You haven’t slept in almost four days, buddy. I don’t know what Shiro said to you but I don’t think he meant what you think he did.” Hunk tried to reason with him but Lance shook his head. Sleep didn’t matter! Not when Keith and Pidge were in healing pods and Shiro was so disgusted that he couldn’t even be in the same room as him. 

Suddenly everything was too loud. Hunk was still talking but it was just noise, Blue’s growl, Shiro’s voice in his head, the roar in his ears; it was all too loud. He tried to pull away but Hunk’s grip was too tight. Blue eyes shut tight in a desperate attempt to block things out. 

_ I told you not to shoot. Don’t shoot. Don’t shoot. Don’t shoot… _

“LET GO!” Lance cried as he ripped away from Hunk, the sound of a blaster rifle ringing in his ears. He stood there panting and staring at the floor, the sudden silence so intense a dropped pin could have been heard. Slowly his gaze drifted back to his friend and he froze at the giant blaster wound on Hunk’s chest. Tearing his gaze away,Lance looked down and let out a small shocked sound at the bayard in his hands. That wasn’t possible. He’d left it in his room.

Throwing away the bayard like it had burned him, Lance ran to Hunk. “H-Hunk? I-I’m sorry! Please be ok. This...this isn’t possible. I didn’t have it!” He cried as he started to tentatively reached out to touch the wound. 

“Lance, buddy, you’re kinda scaring me.” Hunk replied softly. “I’m fine. See?” The yellow paladin gently gripped Lance’s wrists and put them on his chest when Lance hesitated to touch him and Lance couldn’t help but blink in surprise. There...wasn’t anything there. Hunk was fine. Lance’s head whipped around to look at where he had thrown his bayard but there was nothing there either. When he turned his confused and frightened gaze back to Hunk, his friend looked...afraid. 

“I think we need to go see Coran. Something’s wrong, Lance.” He suggested gently. Lance knew what he meant: there was something wrong  _ with him _ . What would he see if Hunk took him to Coran?

“N-No.” Lance refused, shaking his head. Hunk didn’t try to keep hold of him when he pulled away this time. “I’m not safe to be around so just...just stay away from me.” He finished in a rush before turning and running out of the hangar leaving a concerned and alarmed Hunk behind.

Lance didn't know where he was going but he knew where he couldn't go: Not his room, or Blue, or even the pool. His bayard was in his room, Blue would call someone to try and help, and the pool… Lance had never been afraid of water in his entire life. He loved it but right now just thinking about the pool had him gasping for air and clutching his chest.

When he finally stopped running, he was in a part of the castle that he had never been in before. The hallway was a dead end save for one door. Lance opened it without hesitation and stumbled to the back of the room, as far away from the door as he could get. Once he’d reached the back wall, he slid down until he was sitting with his knees drawn up and his head buried in his arms. There was a soft glow from the few floor lights scattered about the room but other than that it was dark. Lance didn’t really notice. He was still trying to catch his breath and figure out what had just happened. 

He’d really thought he’d shot Hunk. He’d heard the shot go off; seen the hole in Hunk’s chest and his bayard in his hands. “Hunk is fine. Pidge is fine. Keith is fine.” He repeated it over and over again until he felt himself calm down a little. Eventually he took a deep breath, sat up to lean his head against the wall, and closed his eyes.  

“So this is where you decided to hide.”

Lance started in surprise at the unexpected voice. “Pidge?” Squinting in the darkness of the room, it took his eyes a moment to adjust before they landed on his friend. “You’re out of the pod.” Disbelief colored Lance’s tone. He hadn’t expected them to be out already. 

Pidge just snorted at him. “Yeah, no thanks to you.” Lance flinched and looked away. 

“I’m so sorry, Pidge. I didn’t mean...it was an accident.” He apologized quietly. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the other. Suddenly cold fingers were gripping his face tightly and forcing him to look up into a face that made Lance gasp in surprise. Pidge’s face was pale and their eyes were sunken in and dark. Their fingers felt like cold metal against his face. 

“You’re sorry? You honestly think that an apology is going to be enough?” Pidge hissed at him as their grip tightened. Lance felt cold fear shoot through him and he couldn’t help but struggle to get out of Pidge’s grip. “Let me give you a hint, Lance. An apology is definitely not going to cut it.”

“Pi-idge, please,” Lance could barely get the words out the other’s grip was so tight. He reached up to grip their arm, to try and pry them off, but he wasn’t met with warm skin. Looking away from Pidge’s face, he focused on their arm and was saw the cool glint of metal. “Pidge?”

The other just sneered at him. “Didn’t you hear? I match Shiro now. I lost my arm and it’s all. Your. Fault.” Their voice dissolved into a growl as they let go of Lance’s jaw to quickly and forcibly grab his neck instead. Lance gasped in shock and pain as they slammed him into the wall. “Maybe I should make you match too. I think I’ll replace your eyes. Maybe then you’ll actually be a sharpshooter; one that won’t miss.” Lance scrabbled against Pidge’s grip as it tightened. This wasn’t Pidge. It couldn’t be. The laugh that escaped the other’s lips was cruel and hollow as they raised their other hand and started to reach for Lance’s eye… 

“Ahh!” Lance woke up screaming and drenched in a cold sweat. He struggled to sit up from where he’d sunk over and tried to pull air into burning lungs. It was just a dream; a terrifying dream. Even if it had felt real enough to have Lance checking his throat and eyes, his fingers meeting with warm skin. He didn’t even remember falling asleep. Eventually he got his breathing under control and realized he was shivering. 

“Shit.” Lance breathed out as he pulled his jacket tighter around himself. There was no way he was going to try and go back to sleep after that. If that’s what waited for him when he closed his eyes then screw sleep; he didn’t need it. 

“You think staying awake will help?” Lance froze before slowly turning towards the sound of the new voice. There was Keith, leaning against the wall next to him, covered in blood from the gaping hole in his chest. There was an amused smirk on his lips but his eyes were empty sunken things set in a too pale face. “You can’t get rid of us that easily.”

Lance forced himself to look away and fisted his fingers in his hair. “You’re not real. You can’t be real!” It wasn’t possible; Keith and Pidge were fine. They were in the healing pods. He hadn’t killed Keith. He hadn’t permanently maimed Pidge. 

Keith just chuckled and came to sit beside him. “Are you sure about that? You’re the reason I’m here after all. Come on, Lance, you shot me. The least you can do is look at me.” Lance couldn’t stopped himself from looking over, a distressed sound leaving him at the sight of Keith. 

“I-I didn’t-” He started to apologize but Keith just cut him off. 

“Mean it, I know.” His voice had lost it’s amused note. It was as hard and unforgiving as his expression. “That doesn’t change the fact that you did it. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised; you were always screwing things up at the Garrison too.” Keith shook his head. “I knew we shouldn’t have trusted you. I could never figure out why Blue chose you. What could she have possibly seen in  _ you _ ?” 

Lance didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know why Blue had chosen him.

Keith just watched him for a moment before moving, quick as lightning, to kneel in front of Lance. He forced Lance to look at him as he pinned him to the wall. “You want to know what I think?” His voice was low and sinister and all Lance could do was shake his head. 

“Don’t. Please don’t.” His voice was a pathetic whisper and Keith just laughed. 

“I think that she chose you out of convenience,” He continued. “The rest of the team agrees; even Hunk. There’s nothing special about you, Lance. You were in the wrong place at the right time.” Lance was trembling. He didn’t want to hear any of this!

“Get away from me!” He pleaded and tried to push the other way only for his hand to sink into Keith’s open wound with a sickening sound. Lance cried out in panic and tried to pull his hand free but it wouldn’t come. Keith didn’t even seem to notice. 

“Voltron needs five pilots, though I use the term loosely with you, and Blue needed a way to get the rest of us to the castle. You,” He leaned in close to whisper the rest in Lance’s ear. “Were a mistake.” Am exhausted and broken sob escaped Lance as he stopped trying to get away. He just sagged against the wall in defeat, closing his eyes against the sight of Keith still kneeling in front of him and the tears. He knew that Blue choosing him was a mistake. If he had never been here then Keith and Pidge would be fine. They didn’t need him. Blue was so gentle, she would accept anyone as her pilot. 

When Lance had run out of tears and opened his eyes again Keith was gone. Wearily he looked at his hand and was mildly surprised to find it not covered in blood. There was no trace of Keith or Pidge. A humorless laugh left him as he pressed his face into his hands. Hunk had been right; there was something seriously wrong with him. At least his friend wasn’t here to see him like this. The hangar had been scary enough. He would just stay here until he could pull himself together, if that was even possible. 

Lance lost all sense of time in that room. He saw Keith and Pidge so often that he was starting to doubt whether he believed they were real or not. The only thing that convinced him that he was hallucinating was that Keith wouldn’t be able to talk with that gaping hole in his chest and if Shiro had been real then Lance was pretty sure he’d be in pieces all over the room instead of curled up on the floor trying to ignore them all. He’d seen all of them: Keith, Pidge, Shiro, and Hunk. They all blamed him, questioned why Blue had chosen him, asked him why he was still here. Lance had stopped responding. He just stared at the wall. He thought he might have fallen asleep off and on but since he fell right into a nightmare every time it was hard to tell. He knew he should get up and get out of this accursed room but… he was just so tired and all of his thoughts felt distant while the voices were loud and incessant. 

Lance heard the door open but he didn’t move from his place on the floor. What would be the point? He was probably imagining it anyway. Why would any of the others be looking for him?

“Lance? Quiznack, what’s happened to you?” Coran’s voice wasn’t what he’d been expecting. He hadn’t seen or heard Coran yet and he sounded… concerned? The gentle touch to his shoulder had him flinching in surprise and trying to scrambling away. He didn’t get very far before he crumbled back up into an exhausted shivering ball. 

“Lance it’s just me. It’s Coran. I really need to get a look at you.” He sounded so real. Lance wanted to believe that he was real. 

“Coran?” He called tentatively before struggling to sit up. Coran was there to help him in an instant. Lance looked up at his face searchingly. Coran’s eyes were normal and familiar, his face pinched in worry. “You’re real.” He breathed with relief, clutching Coran’s shirt tightly. 

Coran just looked at him oddly. “Of course I’m real. What else would I be?” Lance just shook his head. “Have you gotten any sleep since you came back to the castle? And you’re burning up. I’ve learned a lot about human biology since you and the others became paladins and I am sure that you are far too warm right now. What are you even doing in here?” Coran was feeling his forehead and his damp clothes as he continued to ramble on about Lance’s condition. Lance didn’t bother to stop him. 

“I’m… I’m just tired.” He murmured quietly, swaying a little as Coran helped him to his feet. “And I just… I just needed to be away from everyone. I-” He choked on a hiccuped sob. Coran seemed to understand. 

“It’s alright, young paladin. Shiro told me what happened.” The altean explained as he helped Lance towards the door but Lance balked slightly. 

“It was an accident. You have to believe me! I would never hurt them.” Lance didn’t care that he sounded desperate. He was desperate. If Shiro had explained what had happened to Coran then he couldn’t help but think that Coran would blame him too. 

“I don’t blame you, Lance.  Allura doesn’t either. She’s quite cross with Shiro for speaking to you as he did. We haven’t explained fully to Pidge but Hunk knows. He’s not too happy with Shiro either.” He explained and Lance struggled to keep up. 

“Wait...Pidge is out of the pod? Are… are they alright?” Lance asked quietly and Coran nodded. 

“Number five is just fine. Right now, we need to get you to bed so you can sleep.” They were in his bedroom. When had they left that room? How had they gotten here so fast? It took too much energy for Lance to try and figure it out. He didn’t put up any kind of fight when Coran set about getting him out of his damp clothes and into some dry ones before getting him to lie down on the bed. His eyes were already heavy when Coran pulled a syringe looking device out and proceeded to administer whatever it was to Lance through his arm. “This should help you sleep. Try to get some rest, Lance.” Lance was asleep before Coran even left the room. 

The days following found Lance in a listless routine while they all waited for Keith to wake up. Whatever Coran had given him to help him sleep had been a double edged sword. While it had forced him to sleep it hadn’t stopped the nightmares. He’d been stuck in them with no way to wake up. So while his body was rested and his fever was gone, he was as exhausted when he woke up as he had been when he went to sleep. Lance had asked Coran not to use it again. If it didn’t stop the nightmares then the blue paladin would rather be able to wake up. He didn’t get much sleep anymore.

He spent the days avoiding everyone but especially Pidge and Shiro. He grabbed food when he was sure that no one else would be in the kitchen and spent the nights training until he fell asleep in an exhausted heap. Three days passed like that until Keith finally woke up. Lance had desperately wanted to go and see him but he’d stayed away. The things he’d seen in that dark room and his nightmares made him hesitant and the guilt that was still eating him solidified his decision to keep his distance. Even so, he couldn’t ignore Allura’s summons when they inevitably came.   

Even isolated in the empty part of the castle Lance had heard the announcement to come to the bridge. He didn’t really remember the walk there, one minute he was convincing himself to get up and go and the next he was listening to Allura explain the mission. Lance was relieved to see Keith perfectly well though he couldn’t meet the red paladin’s gaze. He couldn’t look at any of his teams mates. He could see Pidge out of the corner of his eye; could see their wrist still bandaged to their chest. It made his chest feel tight with guilt. He could feel Shiro staring at him and it made his hands twitch; he shoved them in his pockets to hide them. Just being around them made him anxious. Thanks to Coran’s help he’d stopped having hallucinations due to fever and sleep deprivation but the voices hadn’t gone away. It made it hard to focus on Allura since he had to spend half of the time deciding if what he heard was real or not.

_ You shouldn’t be here. You don’t deserve to be here. _

He knew that. Of course he knew that. Why did they have to keep telling him that?

_ We can’t trust you. We don’t need you. _

Lance just wanted the voices to stop. Why couldn’t he get them to stop?

“Lance.” Shiro’s voice cut through his thoughts so sharply that Lance couldn’t help but flinch. “Are you paying attention?”

It took Lance a moment to realize that Shiro was actually talking to him; that it wasn’t in his head. The Shiro in his head always sounded angrier. “Yeah, of course,” Lance replied keeping his voice quiet. He tried to look Shiro in eye as he spoke but he could only raise his gaze to Shiro’s shoulder. The truth was that he’d been trying to listen but he and his brain hadn’t been on the same page for a while now. Lance only had an idea of what Allura had been talking about. He hoped it was enough to appease Shiro. “The Y’os want to form an alliance with us against Zarkon and asked to meet for a formal arrangement.”

He held his breath as he waited for Shiro’s response. The dismissive nod made his stomach twist. A small part of him had hoped that things would start to get better once Keith and Pidge were out of the pods. He’d been foolish to think that. He couldn’t be forgiven. 

Lance didn’t really pay any attention after that but as soon as Allura seemed to be done, he turned and left. He had to get away from the others. He didn’t want to risk getting caught by Keith or Pidge. Lance was too terrified of what they might say. He just had to get back to somewhere quiet, away from the team. 

“Lance, wait.” Shiro called out to him. For a moment Lance thought of running but he knew Shiro would just chase him down. He didn’t want anyone else finding out where he’d been staying. So he stopped and turned to face his leader and whatever he may have come to say. 

Lance’s gaze was locked on the floor so he couldn’t see Shiro’s expression but he heard the long sigh that the black paladin let out. “Lance I… I just want to make sure that you’re ready for this mission. No one has seen you since… since we got back a week ago. I need to know that your head is in the right place.” 

Lance could have laughed at that. He didn’t but he thought he heard Pidge laughing. He heard it so clearly that he couldn’t help but look around for them. The action caused Shiro to look at him with an odd expression of impatience and concern. 

“Lance?” He questioned and Lance forced himself to look at the other. “I need to know that you’re going to use your head and really think about what you’re doing if things go south out there. That you’ve got our backs.” Shiro’s voice was so neutral. There wasn’t any anger or resentment or even judgment there. Lance was pretty sure that made it worse. He would have preferred some sort of emotion than indifference. Did Shiro not trust him anymore?

_ Of course not. How can he after what happened? You’re a cargo pilot not paladin. _ Keith chimed in and it took every ounce of willpower and strength that Lance had left not to look around for him. Instead, he looked up at Shiro but he couldn’t force out the words. He couldn’t tell Shiro that he could trust him. He didn’t even trust himself. 

He ended up lowering his gaze to floor and nodding, his hands fisted at his sides to hide the trembling. It seemed to be enough for Shiro who gently clasped him on the shoulder with his tech arm. The blue paladin couldn’t help but flinch; that arm had been a prominent feature in his nightmares. If Shiro noticed he didn’t say anything. 

“Good. I know you won’t let me down.” 

_ Again. _

Lance felt sick. Had that been in his head or had Shiro actually said that? He had no way to tell. Shiro looked like he wanted to say something else, a sliver of emotion showing on his face, before he changed his mind with a shake of his head. 

“Go and get ready. We’ll meet in the main hall once we’ve landed.” With that he turned and left, leaving Lance feeling wrung out and defeated. He could only hope that Y’oscarth would be peaceful and that he would have no reason to touch his damned bayard. He heard Keith laugh as he walked to his room.

_ Guess we’ll have to wait and see, won’t we? _


	2. Tuesday, I was Through with Hoping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He was so tired of feeling like this. He'd been struggling to keep his head above water for what felt like ages; trying not to let his own thoughts drag him under but... wouldn't it be easier to just let himself sink? The others could find a new Blue Paladin. They would be better off. His family probably thought he was dead by now anyway. It would be so easy to just-_
> 
>  
> 
> Lance is struggling alone with the guilt of hurting his team, a mission on Y'oscarth has him hesitating, and the consequences have him reaching for his second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! The 2nd chapter is finally here. This took much much longer than I had wanted it to but I am pleased with how it came out so I'd like to say that it was worth the wait. Huge shout out to [buttered-poptarts](http://buttered-poptarts.tumblr.com/) and [piemakcr](https://piemakcr.tumblr.com/) for being awesome beta readers! Just as a reminder, in case you didn't read the tags, this fic/chapter has descriptions of anxiety, panic attacks, self doubt, depression, and sleep deprivation. If any of these things make you uncomfortable please don't read this fic. With that being said, if you're sticking around then please enjoy!

Y’oscarth was much different than Lance had been expecting. He was sure that he’d never seen so many trees in his life. Earth was mostly ocean and the few forests that Lance had seen paled in comparison. Even the Olkari, who were so in tune with the nature of Olkarion, had built a massive city and integrated parts of the forest with their technology. Y’oscarth, on the other hand, appeared completely untouched by _anything_. No cities, no terrain alterations, nothing. It was tempting to think that nothing could alter something so old and vast; not even the Galra empire.  

 

_Makes you feel small and insignificant, doesn’t it? Well, more than usual._

 

Lance knew better than to look up and see if Pidge was actually talking to him. If they were then they would repeat themselves or grab his attention somehow. If they didn’t then it was in his head. The more he looked around to see if someone was in fact talking to him the more concerned glances he got from the team. He didn’t need the others worrying about his mental state before a mission. This was his problem and until it affected their ability to form Voltron then he was going to keep it to himself.

 

_That’s a terrible idea. Not as terrible as shooting me but still pretty terrible._

 

“Lance?” The older Altean called to him, his tone was laced with concern but it was gentle; Lance still jumped a little. He’d been so lost in thought that he’d missed most of what Coran had been explaining about the planet. Turning away from the viewing screen, he saw the others already heading out, Hunk waiting just outside the door for him.

 

“Sorry, Coran. Just...got lost in my own head for a minute.” The blue paladin explained with a small shrug and an even smaller and slightly sardonic smile. Coran looked like he wanted to say something else but Lance hurried from the room to catch up with Hunk and the others. Coran may have been the only one who had any idea of what Lance was struggling with but that didn't mean that Lance wanted to talk about it.

 

“Lance, are you alright?” Hunk asked as they made their way outside. Lance gave him his usual smile.

 

“Of course. It’s all good, buddy. Don’t worry.” Lance wasn’t sure that Hunk was convinced but his best friend didn’t say anything for which Lance was grateful. This wasn’t the time or the place to go into anything related to Lance’s state of “ok”. He was dealing, he could do this. He just wanted to focus on the mission and try to make sure nothing went wrong.

 

When they finally joined the others, Lance took a moment to glance at the forest around them. It was old, that much was obvious by the trees that were as tall as the castle, but it also _felt_ old. It was almost oppressive and made him want to hunker down into himself. He resisted the urge as what could only be the Y’os began to emerge from the trees.

 

The Y’os turned out to be more impressive than Lance had thought they might be. Varying sizes and shapes of bird people had not been what he was expecting. They were interesting but Lance decided to keep to himself, not feeling up to his usual flirtatious banter. He especially didn't want to draw any attention to himself, not with his head as messed up as it was. It was better for everyone if he just stayed as quiet as possible for once. He knew they wouldn’t need his opinion anyway. Lance was more interested in taking everything in.

 

The Y’os were incredibly diverse; no two were truly alike. Each one had a different pattern of feathers, colors, and skin tone. The clothes were similar however so it was impossible to tell male from female. Lance remembered from high school biology that female birds were often darker in color to better blend in and males were flashy and extravagant to attract mates but he couldn't be sure if the same logic applied to the Y’os.

 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Zriath started to explain how they had greeted them so fast. Lance couldn’t help but tense when the scanners were mentioned, his thoughts immediately going to their last mission. Letting his gaze drift to Keith for a second, Lance bit back a grimace and pulled his attention back to the Y’os. He was really going to have to talk to Coran and Pidge about their scanners; once he could actually talk to Pidge again. For now, he needed to focus on this mission and this planet and keep an eye on his family.

 

The walk to the Y’os village was blissfully uneventful but Lance had been on edge. The fact that their scanners hadn’t picked up the Y’os left him with a sick nagging feeling that he couldn’t shake. What else had they missed? A couple of the Y’os must have noticed because they would drift over to talk to him. That made it a little easier; he just reached into himself and found that smile that disarmed everyone. It worked for the most part but he only half paid attention to the conversation around him. His focus was split between his surroundings and Keith. The red paladin had only just gotten out of a healing pod. Lance had no idea how he was doing, though he seemed to be alright.

 

Thankfully, it didn’t take all that long to reach the village and it was a surprising relief when the Y’os escorting them dispersed. Shaking himself, the blue paladin looked around and tried to take everything in. The village was already in full swing of celebrating; They must have been expecting Voltron to agree to the alliance. There were tables of food everywhere, music was playing, and most of the Y’os were dancing; Lance wish he felt the urge to join. He’d always loved to dance but right now he wanted to be anywhere else but here; he wasn’t sure why. The amount of activity and people around him was suddenly overwhelming. Instinct had him looking for the others but they had been swept up by various groups of Y’os and Lance had lost sight of them. His fingers brushed something hard against his thigh and he jolted; his hand had been resting on his bayard. Clenching his fists, he took a deep breath and forced himself to let it out slowly. They weren’t in any danger in here. It was alright if he couldn’t see everyone.

 

A flash of red had him looking up and across the village to spot Keith. He looked like he was actively looking for someone. Lance watched him pass group after group; He obviously couldn't find who he was looking for. It occurred to Lance that there was a good chance Keith was looking for him. He was probably the only one Keith hadn't talked to since he’d gotten out of the pod. Lance wasn’t ready to face him, especially not here when he already felt so twitchy and on edge. Slowly backing up into the tree line, he waited a breath to see if anyone had noticed, before turning and wandering deeper in, away from the party and away from Keith.

 

He wasn’t sure how long or how far he’d walked before coming to stop on top of a little hill that dropped sharply into a valley. The forest dropped as well, following the slope of the land, which made this a clear spot to see the stars. No matter how much time he spent in space, he never got tired of stargazing. It was one of the best parts about going planet side: getting to see how different the stars looked from planet to planet.

 

Lance was just staring up at the sky when a rustling above him made him jump. “Who’s there?!” He demanded, turning to try and find the source of the noise. His hand flew to his bayard but he felt a surge of panic that made him hesitate.

 

_Could be a one of the others. Or a Y’os. You wouldn’t want to accidentally shoot one of our new allies, would you?_

 

Before he could tell Hunk to shut up he caught sight of a Y’os emerging on the lowest branch of the tree next to him and let himself relax. “You scared the crap out of me.” He accused lightly, forcing a rueful smile.

 

The Y’os just chuckled. “My apologies. I thought since you’d wandered out to my lookout post I could at least keep you company. Unless you do not wish for company?” Their voice was smoother and deeper than Lance had expected.

 

“I…” Lance paused. Did he want company? It would probably be good to talk with someone other than himself or the voices in his head for a little while. “Some company would be nice, actually.”

 

The Y’os nodded before gracefully jumping down from the branch to stand beside Lance. “I am surprised to see you out here, Blue Paladin, and not enjoying the celebration.” The Y’os said curiously. It was hard to tell in the dark but Lance got the distinct feeling that he was being looked over. Which was odd because no one ever looked him over. Why would they? Was the Y’os trying to gauge his strength or something?

 

“You don’t need to call me that. Lance is fine.” Something had twisted uncomfortably in his gut at being called the Blue Paladin. It felt wrong. Felt like the title didn’t belong to him; like it shouldn’t belong to him. Lance pushed the feeling deep down to be buried with a multitude of others that he’d been avoiding.

 

The Y’os studied him for a moment longer before moving to relax against the tree behind them. “I am Ghian. It is a pleasure to meet you, Lance.”

 

Lance took a moment to study Ghian. He, Lance was pretty sure Ghian was a he, was taller than Lance but not by too much. Lance guessed he was maybe about as tall as Coran. His skin reminded Lance of honey and his black hair fell in layers to his shoulders. His feathers, which mostly seemed to grow in his hair, his shoulders, and down the middle of his torso, were a mix of red and blue with small purple ones spread throughout.

 

Lance had to admit that Ghian was attractive and if he’d been feeling up to it, he probably would have been flirting. He briefly wondered how Keith would feel about that but the thought of Keith made him frown and turn his gaze away from Ghian.

 

_It doesn’t really matter what I think, does it? You might as well give him a try. Our ship sailed as soon as you pulled the trigger._

 

Lance’s eyes narrowed slightly as he bit his lip hard. Keith wasn’t out here. He wasn’t. It was in his head. It wasn’t real…

 

“You seem troubled, Lance.” Ghian’s voice startled Lance out of his thoughts and he looked up to find the other studying him. “You do not have a face meant for such a distressed expression.”

 

Lance couldn’t help but snort at that. He’d used a line like that on Keith once. His expression had been priceless. “I haven’t had much to smile about lately.” Lance admitted with a small shrug. Ghian moved away from the tree towards Lance with a grace that the paladin didn’t think birds should have and gently brushed some hair out of Lance’s face, being mindful of his talons.

 

“Perhaps I could help with that.” He suggested quietly and Lance looked at him with wide eyes before stepping away slightly.

 

“I-I uh, I appreciate the offer, Ghian, really but I… there’s someone, I mean-” Lance scrambled for a way to reject the Y’os offer without causing an intergalactic incident, though it wouldn’t have been the first time.

 

Technically nothing was stopping him; he’d never told Keith how he felt and now there was no way he ever could. A fact that the Keith in his head was sure to remind him of. Even so, none of that changed the way he felt. Luckily Ghian interrupted him with a raised talon and a chuckle.

 

“It’s alright. You need not explain; it’s the red one yes?” Ghian’s tone was friendly and understanding and Lance couldn’t help but relax in relief before looking at the other curiously.

 

“Wait… how did you know it was Keith? The red paladin?” He’d been purposely avoiding Keith, hadn’t talked to him or even really looked at him since that mission. Lance had been too afraid to approach him.

 

Ghian just let out another amused chuckle before moving to sit on the edge of the drop off, waiting for Lance to join him before answering. “I had a feeling but I wasn’t sure so I thought it would not hurt to try for you. He watches you most carefully. You seemed... not entirely with us on the journey to the village. Many of my kind, myself included, find you and your companions quite attractive. The red one, Keith, would glare at anyone who wandered too close to you. Though I do not think he realized he was doing so. You also watch him. When the celebration started, your eyes never left him even as you moved to be wherever he wasn’t.” Ghian’s tone seemed to suggest he was confused by that but he didn’t comment on it.

 

Lance just stared at Ghian in disbelief. He’d been watching Keith? Keith had been watching him? “I think you’re confused, Ghian. Keith wouldn’t… there’s no way. Not after what happened. He was probably just glaring _at_ me.” He mumbled, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them as he looked out at the valley. Ghian didn’t respond for a few long moments. Lance could feel him watching him but he didn’t turn to meet his gaze.

 

“If I may ask, what happened that would make you doubt Keith’s feelings?” The question was asked in such a way that Lance knew that if he told Ghian that he didn’t want to answer then the Y’os wouldn’t push. But was that what Lance wanted to do? He hadn’t spoken to anyone about what had happened and the voices had been mostly quiet while he and Ghian had been talking. What could it hurt to tell someone outside of the team?

 

“I… I made a mistake and hurt Pidge, the green paladin, and Keith. I hurt them really badly. We were on a planet covered in fog, couldn’t see anything. We were attacked and I… I shot them.” His voice broke as he said it. Even as he blamed himself and the voices of the others blamed him and told him what he’d done, he’d never said it out loud. It made his chest tighten and his hands shake.

 

“That was why you did not reach for your weapon.” Ghian muttered, more to himself than Lance but Lance couldn’t help but look at him in confusion. Ghian caught his look and continued to explain. “The refugees have told us about your team’s individual weapons and skills. I expected you to raise yours in defense when I startled you.”

 

Lance looked away then, his expression pained. “I can’t.” His voice was barely a murmur. “I don’t trust myself. Every time I reach for it, I see him lying there bloody and broken. I thought I’d killed him. I can unlock it when I’m alone but I can’t pull it on anyone. I just can’t.” He was trembling now, gripping himself as tightly as he could. Ghian had placed a steadying hand on his shoulder that Lance hadn’t noticed until the Y’os was pulling him to his feet.

 

“Come with me.” Ghian didn’t give him much of a choice as he pulled him towards the tree that he had appeared in earlier.

 

“Ghian what-” Lance weakly tried to protest but gave up when it was clear that Ghian wasn’t listening to him. The Y’os let go of him to look for something at the base of the tree and came back to Lance holding a long staff.

 

“This is a _keew_. It is a common weapon among the Y’os for those not wishing to learn the bow.” He handed it to Lance who took it hesitantly.

 

“Why are you giving this to me?” Lance asked with a tilt of his head.

 

“You do not wish to use the weapon that harmed your friends. It was an accident and one you should not blame yourself for. But I can see that it will take more than me saying so to convince you. Even so,” Ghian moved to stand close behind Lance, reaching around him to position him correctly. “I cannot leave you without a way to defend yourself and your team.”

 

Ghian began to move Lance through the motions of using the _keew_ ; blocking, attacking. Lance found it oddly calming mostly because it gave him something to focus on other than being in his own head. The movements were fluid and required all of his attention. It was the same feeling he got when he trained by himself at the castle; everything just kind of fell away and gave him a little peace.

 

He had no idea how long they had been practicing for when Ghian eventually slowed their movements to a stop and moved away from him. “You tire. You will not be able to master it during your short time here but I will be happy to teach and practice with you while you are here.”

 

Lance couldn’t help but smile gratefully at the Y’os. “Ghian...thank you. This...this helped.” He still felt guilty and lost but this had helped. At the very least he felt calmer.

 

The Y’os’ beaks didn’t really let them smile but Ghian looked pleased all the same. “For that I am glad. I did mean it when I said you were not meant for troubled expressions. Now come, we should return to the village.” He grabbed another _keew_ from the base of the tree and motioned for Lance to follow him. They were almost back when an explosion rocked the forest, nearly knocking them to their feet and sending a burning orange light into the sky.

 

“The village…” Ghian breathed before he took off running, Lance hot on his heels. They broke the tree line into complete chaos. The village was burning, spreading to the surrounding trees. Through the flames Lance caught sight of Y’os fighting or running from a mix of Galra and Galra tech soldiers. He couldn’t see anyone from his team.

 

“Stay close!” Ghian yelled at him before running into the fray. Lance followed but it wasn’t long before they were separated. Gripping the _keew_ like Ghian had taught him, Lance didn’t give himself time to think. He took a page from Keith’s book and just acted. He wasn’t very good at using the _keew_ and he was tired but he managed to take out tech soldiers and help any of the younger Y’os he came across.

 

As he moved through the village he spotted a Galra soldier with a tech enhanced spear advancing on a group of children. “Hey!” Lance was running before he’d even realized it. With a leap, he jabbed his _keew_ into the Galra’s head and managed to knock him off his feet. Quickly turning to the children, Lance got them up and on their feet. “Get out of here! Find the other paladins.” He instructed, watching them go for a moment before turning his attention back to the Galra.

 

“Attacking kids is pretty low. Too afraid to fight someone who can fight back?” As the Galra moved to stand and face Lance, it occurred to him that goading someone who was bigger and stronger than him was probably a bad idea. This particular Galra soldier stood well above him. He didn’t have to time to dwell on it as the Galra came at him. Lance knew within moments that he was outmatched, his focus narrowed to blocking and dodging and just staying alive.

 

“You are a paladin of Voltron? Pathetic.” The Galra growled. Lance tried to ignore him. “I have seen the others fight. You are no Paladin though you wear the armor. I’ll kill you here and be doing your fellows a favor. But don’t worry, they will join you shortly.”

 

Lance was starting to lose focus. He was too exhausted for this fight and the words the Galra was spitting were getting to him, no matter how hard he tried to ignore them. Suddenly the _keew_ was knocked out of his hands. Instinct had him reaching for his bayard but he hesitated at the instant sensation of panic; of being pulled underwater and a roaring in his ears. He couldn’t breathe. What if he pulled it and he missed? What if he hit a Y’os? Or one of his teammates? What if he killed someone? He was so tired of feeling like this. He'd been struggling to keep his head above water for what felt like ages; trying not to let his own thoughts drag him under but... wouldn't it be easier to just let himself sink? The others could find a new Blue Paladin. They would be better off. His family probably thought he was dead by now anyway. It would be so easy to just-  
  
Lance inhaled sharply as pain suddenly sliced through him. Time seemed to freeze. Wide eyes slowly looked from the Galra soldier in front of him, to the spear embedded in his stomach. His vision swam as he reached up to limply grip the spear. He distantly realized his hand was shaking. The Galra might have said something to him but Lance didn't hear or comprehend the words. He was too busy trying to wrap his brain around what had just happened.

 

Before he could register more than the simple thought of _'I've just been stabbed'_ there was a tugging sensation that made him choke and then the spear was gone. More pain; he couldn't be sure how much. Too much. Something, _'a voice?'_ , made him look away from the Galra and towards a reddish blur that was running towards them. _'Keith'_ his mind supplied as his legs gave out. Lance watched the scenery slide in slow motion from a blurry vision of a burning village, to a smoke-filled sky, then nothing.

 

_"Lance…”_

 

That voice. Lance recognized that voice, though… he hadn’t ever heard it say his name like that before.

 

_“...answer me, damn it!”_

 

Keith; that was definitely Keith. Lance didn’t want to answer. Only because he knew that if he opened his eyes the pain would be worse. There was something comforting about the darkness. Even so, he couldn’t ignore Keith. He’d never been able to ignore Keith.

 

Lance tried to take a deeper breath as he forced his eyes open but it only resulted in a cough that tore through his chest and left something warm on his lips. He did manage to get his eyes open though.

 

“I hear you, Red.” Stars above he hurt.

 

"Just hang in there, ok? What in the hell is wrong with you?! Why didn't you shoot him?!" Keith’s tone was something that Lance couldn’t identify. He could tell he was angry but there was something else there too. Fear? No, that couldn’t be right. Keith was never afraid of anything. It was hard to make out his expression; Lance’s vision wouldn’t focus. He couldn’t help but think what a shame that was. He would have liked to see Keith’s eyes one more time before the darkness that was creeping in the edges of his vision took over.

 

“I-It’s ok...maybe th-is... is better.” He tried to reassure him but his strength was failing. Lance couldn’t be sure how much Keith had heard. The darkness was winning. He could barely see Keith now and he was just so tired...

 

 _‘Sorry, Keith.’_ Lance let himself sink into blackness.

 

The next sensation he was aware of was a slow and aimless drift. He didn’t know what the sensation meant or where he was drifting to but he was content to stay like this for a little while. It was so quiet and peaceful. No voices, no pain just...peace.

 

Eventually, he started to drift towards a soft light. Lance didn’t fight it; just watched the light grow and the darkness fade with a detached sort of indifference. The light eventually took the form of the soft glow of the castle med bay lights as his pod hissed open and he unceremoniously tumbled out. His legs weren’t ready to hold his weight and he couldn’t stop himself from falling to the floor with a hiss of pain. Still alive then. That was unexpected but the dull flares of pain in his torso couldn’t mean anything else. Once the room had stopped spinning, Lance struggled to his feet, using the pod for support. A quick glance around told him that he was alone. He couldn’t help but frown at that. He’d never woken up from a pod alone before. There was always _someone_. Maybe they were still on Y’oscarth and the others were in the village? The quiet was suddenly unsettling instead of peaceful. He felt groggy and disoriented and while he’d been avoiding his team for weeks he didn’t want to be alone right now.

 

A soft growl sounded in his head and he couldn’t help but sag against the pod in relief. He wasn’t alone, even if the team wasn’t here. Pushing away from the pod, Lance managed to make his way to the hangar using the walls as support for most of the way. By the time he’d reached Blue he was exhausted. She’d lowered herself to the floor so he could just walk into the cockpit through her mouth instead of climbing.

 

“Thanks, beautiful. Sorry, for worrying you.” Lance murmured softly as he collapsed into the pilot’s chair. He was vaguely aware of her rising back into a sitting position. Fine with him; he didn’t have any plans of leaving soon. Being with Blue always made him feel safe and helped with the loneliness. He could tell that she didn’t think he was alright and that she was still worried but she was more than content to let him stay here. Letting his eyes fall closed he tried to recall what had happened. They had been on Y’oscarth and then they’d been attacked…

 

Blue eyes shot open as it all came back to him in a rush and he couldn’t help but grip his stomach. He’d hesitated and had almost paid the price for it. He wasn’t ready to analyze that just yet. Lance knew that he would need to take a long look at that part of himself eventually but he was too tired to do it now. ” Are the others alright?” He received an affirmative growl. He could feel Blue holding back questions of her own and he sent her a wave of gratitude and affection. He didn’t have answers for her yet.

 

 _‘Rest, Little One.’_ The thought came through their link just as Lance drifted off to sleep.

 

Something was shaking him awake. Or trying to anyway. Waking up wasn’t real high on Lance’s to do list right now.

 

 _“Wake up, Lance.”_ That was Keith. Why would Keith have come and found him? Unless he was hallucinating again. Now he had to wake up, just to be sure. It took him a couple of tries but eventually Lance got his eyes to stay open though it still took him a moment to get his vision to focus on the other paladin.

 

“Keith? What are you doing here?” Quiznack was that his voice? He sounded terrible. How had he not noticed that earlier when he was talking to Blue? It was rough and it hurt to talk much louder than a murmur. Though that was far less upsetting than the fact that he was now alone with the Red Paladin who he hasn’t spoken to and been actively avoiding since...the incident. At least his question hadn’t come out angry or surprised; just curious. He had to get out of here though before Keith asked to talk.

 

Keith just gave him an odd look before sighing and running his hand through his hair. Lance knew that that meant he’d been ready to rant about something and had either changed his mind or just didn’t have the energy anymore. "I should be asking you that. You just got out of a healing pod. What are you doing in Blue's cockpit?"

 

That hadn’t been the question Lance was expecting. He hadn’t really been expecting a question at all let alone such...normal conversation. Why was Keith acting so normal with him? Surely Keith remembered what had happened? Or someone had told him about what happened...hadn’t they?

 

It took Lance a moment to register that Keith’s expression was growing more worried and a second longer to realize that he hadn’t responded to his question yet. "I woke up alone so I came to talk to Blue," He explained as he moved to stand. He couldn’t help but wince at the dull throb of pain that started at his stomach and moved out to the rest of him. Heading for the door of the cockpit he didn’t look at Keith as he passed him. "I didn't mean to worry you. The others are probably looking for me too, huh? We should go and-"

 

“Lance, wait.” Keith’s interruption surprised him and forced him to stop. Slowly, Lance shifted his gaze from the floor to Keith and very suddenly wished he hadn’t. The Red Paladin looked like he was quickly debating something and Lance could guess a million things that he could have to say. He didn’t want to hear any of them; not that Keith didn’t trust him, not that Keith thought he was a terrible paladin, not that he should either leave or just stay out of the way. He’d heard it all from the Keith inside his head and he couldn't stand to hear them from the real Keith now.

 

He was still trying to get his legs to move when Keith just charged in. ‘ _Typical Keith.’_ "Look there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about but ever since that resource mission everything’s been weird and I don't know why." He looked so...confused and maybe even a little hurt as he said it but Lance was more focused on _what_ Keith had said. He didn’t know...Oh quiznack Keith didn’t know what had happened. Lance could only guess that Keith didn’t remember and no one had seen fit to tell him. Lance had to get out of here. He couldn’t be around Keith when _he didn’t even know_!

 

He must have made some move towards the door because Keith had reached out and gently, so gently, held his arm. Lance could have broken the hold with no effort but it felt like an impossible thing to do. He felt torn between his guilt that drove him away from Keith and his deep-seated _affection_ that kept him rooted in this fragile moment with the other. Lance had refused to think about his feelings for Keith at all after what he’d done but here was Keith dragging it all to the surface with a simple touch. And of course, he’d want to talk about _them_ because he didn’t remember that stupid mission that ruined everything; that ruined Lance. He felt helpless as Keith pressed on, completely unaware of his growing panic.

 

"We…I don't know what we're doing with this thing between us to be honest but I want-"

 

"Keith, Lance!"

 

Shiro’s voice cut Keith off and Lance jumped away from him. If Shiro saw them that close together, if he caught Lance anywhere near Keith...he had to shut his eyes against the wave of nausea that suddenly rolled through him and the roaring that started in his ears again. He’d already disappointed Shiro beyond repair, he didn’t want to make things worse. Lance kept his gaze on the ground and not Keith, an irrational fear telling him that Shiro could see them. He hadn’t heard what Keith had called to the others, the roar was still drowning everything else out. Lance just knew that he had to get out of the cockpit and away from the others as soon as possible. He might have said something to Keith, he couldn’t be sure, but he was suddenly being dragged away by Coran before he had even processed leaving the cockpit. The others’ voices faded away and the roaring in his ears started to lessen. Coran was oddly quiet as they walked. Usually Lance would have found comfort in his endless but informative rambling but right now he appreciated the quiet. His own thoughts had been so loud lately it was nice to not have to sort through the noise.

 

“Thank you, Coran,” the Blue Paladin spoke quietly without looking up from the floor. Looking his team in the eye wasn’t something he’d been able to do since the incident. He was too afraid of what he might see. Coran understood. He understood a lot since he’d found Lance in that room. He was grateful when the Altean just sat him down in the kitchen, made him something to eat and made sure he ate it. It was a struggle to get food down but he managed.

 

“Coran, are we still on Y’oscarth?” Lance asked quietly, staring at the table.

 

“No, we left three quintents ago.” Coran replied with a sigh. “You’ve been unconscious for almost five. The Y’os healers managed to save you but it was very touch and go for a little while. They’re very skilled but nothing works as fast or as well as the pods. It was slow going. We helped repair the village while they worked to stabilize you. Once we were able to move you, we returned to the castle and set out.”

 

Lance couldn’t help but frown sadly at Coran’s explanation. “Oh.” He hadn’t gotten to say goodbye to Ghian or thank the healers who had saved his life. He didn’t even know if Ghian was alive.

 

Coran must have sensed his distress because suddenly the Altean was there with a hand on his shoulder. “A Y’os asked me to give this to you. He said his name was Ghian. He wanted you to know that he was alright.”

 

Lance looked up at him sharply as he mentioned Ghian. His expression quickly turned into one of relief and tired gratefulness as Coran presented him with the _keew_. “Thank you.”

 

It didn’t seem like enough to show how thankful he was but Coran just gave him a reassuring smile. “He was also wanted me to tell you that ‘you should speak to the red one’.” Lance couldn’t keep the surprised expression off of his face. Coran’s smile turned knowing as he motioned toward the door. “Go and get some rest, Lance. You still look exhausted.”

 

Lance just nodded, took his _keew_ , and headed for his room. He was too tired to even start thinking about Ghian’s message or Coran’s knowing look but at the same time he felt restless. Glancing at the _keew_ he’d set beside his bed, he made his decision. He’d been hiding for long enough. Even if he wasn’t ready to face Keith, especially now that Lance knew for certain that the red paladin didn’t remember, maybe he could at least face Pidge.

 

He made it all the way to the Green Lion’s hangar door before the panic set in. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe and his vision swam as the sensation of falling left him dizzy. He tried to leave but everything went black halfway down the hall. Next thing Lance knew, he was coming back around in his room with Coran and Hunk. Hunk was sporting a black eye and Coran looked like he’d been put through the ringer.

 

“Hunk? Coran?” Lance called softly as he sat up slowly with a grimace. Why did he hurt all over? The other two, who had been conversing quietly but agitatedly by his door, immediately turned and came to stand beside his bed. “What happened?” Lance asked, running a hand down his face to rub away the grogginess. Coran was looking at him with more concern than Lance had ever seen on his face and Hunk’s expression was a mixture of terrified, angry, and concerned. Lance had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what they told him.

 

“Well-” Coran started with some hesitation but Hunk cut him off.

 

“What happened?! I’ll tell you what happened; I found you outside of Green’s hangar in full blown panic attack, completely incoherent man. I drag you here to Coran who,” Hunk paused to point an accusatory finger at the Altean. “Was not nearly as surprised as he should have been. He tries to give you something to help you sleep and you lost it. Completely flipped, man!”

 

Lance flinched a little and before giving Hunk an apologetic look. “Hunk, buddy, I’m sor-”

 

“Nope, nope, nope.” Lance internally grimaced as Hunk cut him off with a shake of his head. He’d obviously really freaked Hunk out. “I am not hearing any of your apologies until I understand what the quiznack is going on. And I realize I’m yelling but you really freaked me out, Lance. You told me you were _fine_! That, what just happened, is no way close to being fine! You’ve been avoiding all of us for weeks, you’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, your panic attacks are worse than I’ve ever seen them. You nearly died! Keith said you hesitated, that you didn’t…” His best friend trailed off and Lance could see the gears working double time in his head.

 

Lance really didn’t want him to put it all together. He’d have to explain then and he wasn’t sure he could. “Hunk, look it’s not-”

 

“Holy quiznack,” Hunk breathed over Lance, seeming to not hear him. “This is because of that mission; the one where Keith and Pidge got hurt. You still...Lance, that wasn’t...Shiro said he _talked_ to you. That you were ok. We are such idiots.”

 

Lance just sighed and kept his gaze focused on his hands. He didn’t want to see Hunk’s face right then. “I’m...it’s fine, Hunk. I’m sorry for freaking you out. You’re right, I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Shiro did talk to me I just...I have some things to work on, that’s all.” He was too tired for this and he really didn’t want to pull Hunk into his mess. His friend didn’t deserve to deal with his current crazy.

 

“Since when did you start lying to me? Me of all people.” Hunk’s tone was so sharp that Lance couldn’t help but look up at him. His face was stony but Lance could still see that the largest emotion was worry. It made him feel worse; he didn’t mean to make Hunk worry so much. Telling him wouldn’t make him worry any less but Hunk was right; Lance owed him a real explanation.

 

So, he laid it all out for his best friend as best he could. His guilt, his inability to face Pidge or Keith, the feeling of panic that came with even thinking about using his bayard. Lance even told him about the hallucinations and the voices. Hunk stayed quiet; he didn’t move or say anything until Lance was out of words. Even then he just wrapped Lance in a bone crushing hug that Lance was more than willing to return.

 

“You’re going to be alright. You’ve got us and we’re not going to let you go, got it?” Hunk murmured to him and Lance had to choke back a sob. How could he have doubted his best friend? Hunk had always been there for him and that wasn’t going to change.

 

Eventually Hunk pulled away and turned to Coran. “Coran, please make sure he sleeps. There’s something I have to do.”

 

Lance felt panic start to build in him again. Reaching out, he snagged Hunk’s arm before he could pull away. “Hunk, don’t tell anyone. Please, I... please don’t.” He wasn’t ready for everyone to know.

 

Hunk just gave him a reassuring smile. “I promise, I won’t. It’s for you to tell the rest of the team when you’re ready. There’s still something I have to do. Try to rest.” And with that he left, leaving a slightly confused and very worn out Lance and Coran behind.

 

“Well, my boy, will you actually try to get some rest or do I need to give you something? I know you don’t like it but you need sleep, Lance.” Coran sounded as tired as Lance felt and it only made him feel worse.

 

“Sorry I freaked out, Coran. You better just give me that stuff. I don’t know if I’ll sleep on my own.” Lance admitted with a defeated sigh.

 

Coran pulled the syringe out of his pocket and gave Lance a reassuring smile as he injected it into Lance’s arm. “Don’t apologize. Just get some rest.”

 

Lance was out before his head even hit the pillow.

 

Things only got worse in the days that followed. Some naive part of Lance had hoped that he would get better after telling Hunk. That whatever had gone screwy in his head would sort itself out if he gave himself enough time away from the team. That part of him ended up being very wrong. Lance hadn’t been able to sleep for longer than an hour at a time without Coran’s shot. Nightmares or restless energy kept him awake. Even the movements that Ghian had taught him with the keew, which left him both physically and mentally exhausted, only helped so much. He had gone back to staying away from the team during the day unless they were called to train and training by himself at night. If he trained hard enough then he could usually pass out for a couple hours of nightmare free sleep.

 

Hunk checked in with him often and even helped him avoid Keith. Lance felt awful about giving him the cold shoulder but whenever Keith did catch him, Lance had to struggle to form words and focus on breathing to fight down the panic. Pidge let him be which only reaffirmed for Lance and for their voice in his head that they blamed him for what had happened as well. Shiro left him alone until they couldn’t form Voltron.

Luckily it had been during a training exercise and not a real mission. Lance had felt the connection with his team starting to form and had immediately put up walls to push them away. He couldn’t let them in his head; they were already in his head. If he connected with them then they would know; they would feel and see everything. There were no secrets between paladins after all.

 

He had been so focused on _not_ connecting that Blue had pulled them out of formation. Lance could feel her trying to reach out to him but all he could do was push out at that moment and she had no choice but to pull away from him. It left him feeling...empty. Blue had flown them back to the castle and that was were Shiro and Coran had found him, standing at Blue’s feet just looking up at her.

 

“Lance.” Lance jumped at Shiro’s voice. He hadn’t heard them come in; he’d been trying to talk to Blue. She’d been distant since they’d gotten back. It worried him.

 

“Shiro, Coran, about today I can explain-” Lance started but Shiro cut him off with a raised hand.

 

“Coran and I have talked and we think it’s best if you don’t fly for a little while.” Shiro’s expression was impossible to read but Lance didn’t hear the disappointment that he’d been expecting. That made the words all the more confusing. If Shiro wasn’t angry then why…? Had Coran told him everything?

 

“You’re taking Blue away?” His voice was weak even to his own ears. He couldn’t imagine how it sounded to Shiro. His leader must think so little of him after everything that had happened. He didn’t even know how to feel about that. Angry? Frustrated? All he could register was defeat and fear. “But what if we run into the Galra?”

 

“We’ll deal with an emergency if one comes up. This isn’t permanent; It’s just until Coran clears you to fly. Blue took over today when you pulled out of formation, right? We can’t have that happening out there in a real fight. Allura agrees that we can take a small break until we figure out what’s going on but we can’t be down a Lion for long, Lance. We need a Blue Paladin.” Lance really wished he could read Shiro’s face or tone like Keith could. Maybe it would lessen the blow.

 

 _He said we need_ a _Blue Paladin. Doesn’t mean it has to be you._ _Why would they give Blue back to you? You are just a cargo pilot after all._

 

He didn’t need Keith whispering in his ear right now. Lance had thought that he couldn’t disappoint Shiro any more than he already had but apparently, he’d been wrong. Or maybe...Shiro had never really thought much of him in the first place? ‘ _A paladin of convenience.’_ He kept the thought to himself.

 

Looking back at Blue, Lance reached out to her for any kind of argument against this. Her comforting purr had been absent during their conversation and even now she was silent. Lance couldn’t blame her. He’d left her on her own today during training; too busy putting up walls to fly.

 

Lance didn’t give Shiro any further arguments and that had been the end of it. They hadn’t tried to form Voltron since and without being allowed to fly, Lance was stuck in an endless cycle of avoiding everyone but Hunk during the day and training himself unconscious at night. He hadn't been able to hear Blue since being grounded. He could still feel her but barely. Then there was Keith. Keith who, despite Lance pushing him away countless times, still tried to talk to him.

 

A part of Lance just wanted to tell him what happened; to just get everything out in the open and find out for sure where it left them. It wasn’t a big enough part of himself to actually do it. The best he could do was avoid the hot headed red paladin but Lance should have known that Keith wouldn’t let that be an option forever.

 

They were in the middle of a training session when Keith made his move. “Lance! Let’s pair up. It’s been awhile since I kicked your ass.” Lance could only stare at him. He couldn’t train with Keith. What if something went wrong? What if he screwed up again and hurt him? He couldn’t. There was no way.

 

Distantly, Lance recognized the signs of panic: shaking hands, numb fingers, tight chest, racing thoughts. He tried to slow his mind down at least, so he could form some sort of reply but before he could manage it Shiro was between them.

 

“Actually, I was planning on sparring with you, Keith. Lance could do with some target practice with the drones.” His tone sounded emotionless to Lance but the look that Shiro sent him wasn’t. Lance could only decipher it as wary with a hint of anger. It was enough for Lance to confirm that Shiro didn’t trust him to train with Keith. When it came to using his bayard, Shiro obviously didn’t trust him training with anyone. Why should he? Even Lance didn’t trust himself with his bayard around his team. Still, it didn’t stop the hurt from exploding in his chest. He knew that Shiro had never really thought much of him but for the other to be so obviously distrusting hurt more than he could have imagined. It took everything Lance had to not let it show on his face but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to hold it for long. Better for him to leave then possibly lose it in front everyone.

 

He wandered aimlessly for a little while after leaving the training deck before eventually ending up on the observation deck. Sitting there with his knees drawn up to his chest he couldn’t help but let his mind drift. He wanted so badly to be better; for everything to go back to before that mission. But wishing wasn’t going to make it happen. There was no going back and despite Hunk’s’ and Coran’s assurances, Lance still wasn’t convinced that there was any way to fix things; to fix him.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there letting his brain wander but eventually he made his way back to the training deck. Lance knew it was late; the castle’s artificial lighting had changed to its night tones. Shiro had said he needed practice with the drones. Fine, he would practice with the drones but he also knew that he needed to be able to pull his bayard on real targets again. Making his decision with a resigned shrug, Lance typed in the code for the gladiator program as well. He’d run both programs at once only a handful of times and never on this high of level but he was feeling frustrated. He wanted to earn Shiro’s trust back and he wanted to be able to protect his team. At least the gladiators sort of resembled living things.

 

Taking a deep breath, Lance closed his eyes for a second, clearing his mind with one of the exercises that Coran had taught them and called his bayard. The recently familiar surge of panic was absent but then it never came when he was in here alone. “Start training sequence.” Lance called to the computer and once the sequence had started everything else fell away. Nothing existed outside of himself, the drones, and the gladiators. He was so focused that he didn’t notice that he was getting tired or just a tad slower until he miss stepped and before he could recover a drone’s shot nailed him right in the chest and then a gladiator sent him flying across the room.

 

Everything was spinning and his ears were ringing. He didn’t even hear Keith until the other was helping him sit up. Embarrassment, shame, and guilt flitted through him before he pushed the feelings away. He couldn’t afford to feel those; couldn’t afford to feel anything when he was around Keith. Lance had to keep it all in; had to be alright even if it was for just long enough to get him to a place where he didn’t have to be. Keith was not that place, no matter how much Lance wished he was.

 

“I’m alright.” He managed to get out, hating how quiet his voice was. Moving a little to hold his side, the gladiator had landed a solid blow, Lance kept his gaze firmly on the ground in front of him as he continued. “If you’ll just help me up, I’ll get out of here and then you can have the deck to yourself.” Why else would Keith be here at this hour?

 

“That’s not why I’m here.” Keith’s reply had him blinking in surprise though he still didn’t lift his gaze. “"I came here to talk to you. You've been avoiding me; avoiding everyone really. I hadn't known why. I didn't remember what happened on that mission before Y’oscarth."

 

Oh no. No, no, no, _no._ Keith was not here to talk about this. Was he? Had he remembered? Had the others finally told him? Lance couldn’t do this. He didn’t _want_ to do this. He tried to pull away but Keith’s grip on him was firm.

 

“You’re not running this time.” Lance couldn’t help but go stiff at the call out but Keith’s tone wasn’t accusatory. It was just decisive. Keith had decided that this was happening whether Lance was ready or not. A part of Lance was almost relieved. They could get this over with; Keith could tell him that he hated him, that he didn’t trust him anymore, and Lance could...He wasn’t sure what he would do after this but at least everything would be out in the open.

 

"To be honest I still don't really remember all that much, but after you left earlier today I made the others tell me what happened. Lance…" Lance changed his mind. He was not relieved. He didn't want to hear this. Why was Keith’s voice so soft? If the others had told him what had happened then he should be angry. He should be accusing Lance not doing whatever it was that he was doing. Lance could feel the heat gathering in his eyes but he wouldn’t let the tears fall. He was honestly terrified of what Keith was going to say but he had to listen. Keith deserved that much after what Lance had done.

 

The hand on his face made him flinch slightly before he was letting Keith turn his head to look at him. "Lance, it wasn't your fault.” He said it so quietly but with so much conviction that for a moment all Lance could do was stare. Keith wasn’t blaming him? Why wouldn’t he blame him? Why was he doing this? Lance didn’t understand. He couldn’t understand. His thoughts were going too fast again and he felt his hands start to shake.

 

“What are you talking about?!” He cried as he ripped himself away from Keith to stand. “Of course, it was my fault! Keith…Keith I…I shot you! I nearly killed you!” It was only his second time saying it out loud and it left him nauseous and his chest tight. It was getting harder to breathe. “Quiznack…" Bringing a hand up to his hair, he ran his hand through it, tugging harshly as he paced, trying to give himself a distraction from the word vomit that he knew was coming but couldn’t stop.

 

"Shiro told me not to. I'd already hurt Pidge but then you made that god-awful sound and I thought…I thought we were going to lose you for good and I couldn't…I wasn't going to let that happen so I just…but then…" His brain was getting jumbled. He wasn’t really talking to Keith anymore as he continued to pace. ¿Cómo no pudiste culparme? Lo arruiné todo. No debería estar aquí.”

 

He was so lost in his own head and rambling that it was a jolt when Keith suddenly stepped on front of him to stop his pacing. "Hey, it's alright. Just breathe for a minute.” His voice was soothing and calm and for some reason it just made everything fucking worse.

 

"Don't you get it?!” Lance shook him off in an attempt to put some space between them. “I-I thought you were dead! I…I thought I'd killed you." The admission took every last bit of energy he had out of him and he couldn’t help but let his legs give out. "You weren't breathing and Shiro…oh quiznack the look on Shiro's face. Every time I look at you…I see you lying there bleeding out and broken y todo fue culpa mía." He didn’t feel himself shaking or the tears but he knew he was gripping his head. He didn’t want to remember Keith like that. He didn’t want to remember anything about that mission.

 

Lance jolted a little as arms wrapped around him. Keith was...comforting him? Why? The guilt told Lance that he should pull away but Keith was so warm. It felt too good to try and move. "Hey, shhh. It really is alright.” Even Keith’s voice was warm. Lance felt himself sinking into the other a little. He was so tired; tired of hiding, tired of feeling like this, and tired of being away from Keith. "I'm right here and I'm fine. I don't blame you and Shiro shouldn't have. You were trying to save me. I should be thanking you. If you hadn't fired those shots, that thing may have eaten me."

 

Lance barely managed to choke off a sob as he pictured what could have happened but Keith didn’t give him time to dwell on it. "Lance, come on. Look at me. Please?" The question was so gentle that Lance couldn’t refuse him. He’d never been able to refuse Keith. He was slow to look up but when he did his breath caught in his chest.

 

Keith’s expression was full of concern but at the same time there was a fondness there that Lance hadn’t been expecting. There was no blame, no anger just something warm and surprisingly tender in those amethyst eyes. "See? I'm right here and I'm fine. Everything's going to be alright. I'm not going anywhere, I don't blame you and I definitely don't hate you."

 

For a minute, the blue paladin could only stare, searching for any sign of a lie. Maybe Keith didn’t know that he was angry? He still didn’t remember after all. But the others had told him what had happened. Surely, Keith, hot headed, run on instinct Keith, would know how he felt even from just a retelling. The sudden wave of relief he felt was like a breath of air after being underwater for too long. It rushed through him and left him sagging into Keith’s shoulder as it ebbed. “Gracias a Dios,” he breathed out, exhaustion coloring his tone. Lance felt wrung out and yet so much lighter. He honestly didn’t know how it was possible but Keith didn’t blame him; didn’t hate him. He was half afraid it was a dream but none of his dreams had been this kind lately. Still he had hallucinated before; it wasn’t completely outside the realm of possibility.

 

"Now come on, we need to get you into bed so you can sleep. You look terrible.” Keith’s suggestion made perfect sense but it wasn’t what Lance wanted.

 

“I don’t need sleep.” He mumbled out in reply before really thinking about it. Keith’s chuckle sent a surprising, but not unwelcome, wave of warm affection through him.

 

“Oh yeah? What do you need then?” Lance could hear the grin in his tone but for once he wasn’t returning it. What he needed was for some way to know that this was real. What he needed was to know that even though he wasn’t ok, not yet, that maybe they could be. What he needed was to not waste his second chance.

 

“For you to shut up and kiss me.” Lance put it out there before he lost his nerve. It’s what they’d been heading towards before that god-awful mission. He had to know, if Keith didn’t hate him or blame him, if there was any chance of them. He’d thought he’d lost Keith in the fog and then he’d lost himself on Y’oscarth. This was a war; there was no guarantee that they would come back from every mission. With that as their reality, was there any point in tip toeing around each other?

 

Lance hadn’t thought so but Keith was just staring at him. His eyes were wide, his lips parted; Lance read the expression as surprised but couldn’t decipher any more than that. The longer Keith didn’t say anything the more Lance could feel himself crumbling. Maybe he’d been wrong. Maybe he’d misread Keith’s signals from before. Maybe the knowledge that Lance had nearly killed him had colored the way Keith felt. Maybe this was just the wrong time to lay everything out in the open. Whatever it was, Lance had fucked up.

 

Pulling away, he was just starting to murmur an apology when suddenly there were lips firmly pressed against his. For a split second, Lance was too surprised to react. Keith was kissing him. _‘Quiznack, maybe this is a dream.’_ But the hand in his hair was real and the arm around his waist pulling him closer did so without hesitation. It was a blink of an eye before he was sinking into the kiss. The sound that left him was involuntary but Lance couldn’t have cared less. He was too busy getting his hands on Keith, gripping the front of his shirt to try and get closer but a sudden pain flared up his side and he had to pull away, hissing through his teeth.

 

“What? What’s wrong?” Keith sounded a little breathless and Lance couldn’t help but take in the whole picture. His lips were a little red and his jacket and shirt were completely rumpled but Lance got caught in his eyes. They were the darkest that Lance had ever seen them. Deep lavender pools that he knew he could get lost in if he let himself. As much as he wanted to, his side was telling him that this was not the time.

 

“Sorry. The bot got me pretty good. Must have hit a sore spot.” He explained with a rueful smile. He hadn’t really been giving himself a break or time to heal from night to night. If he couldn’t sleep than he trained and he hadn’t been sleeping much.

 

“Come on.” Lance couldn’t help but smile a little at how Keith managed to leave no room for arguments in a suggestion. The fact that he was helping him to his feet and directing him to the door might have helped. “We’re going to talk and then we’re going to sleep. We can have Coran look you over tomorrow.”

 

Lance couldn’t help but chuckle a little as that warmth flooded him again. “Whatever you say, Red.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's Lance's side of the story! It's not quite over yet; I have plans for one more chapter. However, that chapter is not going to be coming out for a little while. This fic has been very emotional to write and I need a break to work on something a little more lighthearted and fluffy. But don't worry, I am NOT abandoning this series. Shiro still has to have his say and I may have one more for Keith. Let me know your thoughts if you'd like to share in the comments and thanks for reading!


	3. Wednesday My Empty Arms Were Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Keith… had kissed him. That crazy, insufferable, amazing mullet headed flyboy actually felt the same way Lance did. He loosely clenched his hand over his heart as a warm feeling spread through him even as the frown remained on his lips. Would Keith’s feelings change after their talk?  
>  “So, you have questions.”_
> 
> Lance and Keith have confirmed their mutual feelings with a kiss. But Keith still has questions about Y’oscarth and Lance isn’t sure he has the answers. He’s not ready for this talk but maybe it’s the push he needs...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well everyone this update is long long over due. All I can say is that things have been a little rough and I had to step away to focus on my mental health and make some changes. But I’m back in a good place and able to work on this fic again. A huge thanks to everyone who has been here since the beginning and has been patiently waiting and a warm welcome to those who may just be finding this fic. As always, I hope you enjoy. 
> 
> P.S. This hasn’t been beta read so if you notice any mistakes please let me know! You start to miss things when you’ve read it a bunch of times. I also posted this from my phone so the formatting might be a little funny.

It had taken them a little while to get back to Lance’s room due to the state Lance was in. He’d been expecting Keith to ask him things on the way but the other paladin had stayed quiet. For once, Lance hadn’t felt the need to fill the silence. He had a pretty good idea of what Keith wanted to talk about and it wasn’t a conversation that Lance was interested in starting any earlier than he had to. Keith looked like he was trying to figure out how to phrase his questions anyway.

 

He still looked like that by the time they were in Lance’s room. Lance decided to buy them both a little more time. “Hey, I’m pretty gross from training. You mind if I clean up a bit?” If Keith could see through the flimsy excuse for what it was he didn’t let on.

 

“Sure.” Keith agreed easily with a small shrug.

 

“Make yourself at home. I’ll only be a couple minutes.” Lance offered with a gesture around the small room. It was a mess of things he’d collected through their time in space; Not as messy as Pidge’s but definitely messy. Lance didn’t have it in him to be worried about it.

 

Leaving Keith to himself, Lance retreated to the bathroom. It was a little more difficult to get undressed than he had anticipated but soon enough he was under the spray of warm water. It was a relief to just stand there. He couldn’t stay too long or Keith would probably worry and barge in but… he could at least take a minute and gather himself. Keith… had kissed him. That crazy, insufferable, amazing mullet headed flyboy actually felt the same way Lance did. He loosely clenched his hand over his heart as a warm feeling spread through him even as the frown remained on his lips. Would Keith’s feelings change after their talk?

 

Lance let out a sigh and turned the water off. There was only one way to find out and no turning back now. Drying quickly, Lance didn’t bother to check any of his injuries or attend to them; Coran could hopefully help him with that tomorrow. There were more important things to worry about right now. He grabbed whatever was closest to throw on, a pair of sweats and a simple t-shirt, before wandering back out to his room to find Keith looking over the things he’d collected.

 

“I like your room. It’s very… you.” Keith’s voice and smile were unexpectedly fond when he looked at Lance. He was pretty sure he’d never get tired of seeing that expression.

 

“Oh yeah? Well, you’re welcome any time.” Lance replied with a small smile of his own as he made his way to his bed to take a seat. “So, you have questions.” He couldn’t keep his expression from falling slightly as he said it and he kept his gaze on the floor. Keith didn’t respond right away. Instead, Lance felt the bed dip beside him, saw Keith tapping his fingers against his leg to a rhythm Lance couldn’t make out. It was a minute before Keith said anything at all.

 

“I want to know what’s going on with you.” He finally muttered, his tone making it sound like he was still trying to sort things out. “I can’t help if I don’t know what’s hurting you.” His fingers had gone from tapping to gripping his pants. Lance couldn’t help but chuckle humorlessly.

 

“It’s not something you can just stab with your bayard, Keith. Although,” Lance gently bumped their shoulders. “It would be really nice and easy if you could.” Joking always came the easiest when he was trying to be fine and wasn’t. Keith seemed to notice the attempt and wasn’t amused.

 

“I know that.” It sounded like he was trying to keep the growl out of his voice. Lance was impressed that he was somewhat successful. “But what happened is hurting you. You’ve been blaming yourself and we just…” He was clenching his fists so tight that his knuckles were turning white. Lance wanted to reach out but he had the feeling that he should wait until Keith was finished. “ _Let you_. We almost lost you on Y’oscarth and it’s because we didn’t-”

 

“Hey.” Lance had to cut him off there. Keith was going down a road that Lance had been stuck on for far too long already. He wasn’t about to let Keith join him. “If we’re not blaming me for what happened to you and Pidge on that mission then we’re definitely not blaming you or any of the others for what happened to me on Y’oscarth, alright?” He was looking at Keith now and Keith had looked up to meet his gaze. He could tell that there was an argument on the tip of Keith’s tongue but Lance wasn’t going to argue this. Not this.

 

“I don’t know how well I’ll be able to explain it but you have to know… what happened on Y’oscarth,” Lance sighed and turned his gaze back to the floor. “That was my mistake. No, I guess that’s not really the right word. It was… my decision.” Lance glanced up at Keith and wished he hadn’t. The red paladin looked like he’d been slapped. Lance supposed that hearing his near death experience put that way might be a little much to swallow.

 

Keith took a deep and slow breath beside him before reaching out for his hand. Lance took it without hesitation, laced their fingers together. “Try.” Keith’s hand was trembling slightly in his. “Try to explain it. Tell me what sent you there.”

 

Lance gave Keith’s hand a small squeeze, a gesture meant for reassurance though he wasn’t sure if it was meant for Keith or himself. “I’m not sure where to start; it was a lot of things.” He replied quietly, thinking back. Some of it he honestly didn’t remember; some of the days were a blur but he could remember the feelings well enough. Maybe that would be enough to explain. “I blamed myself for hurting you and Pidge. You nearly died because of me, because of my shot. Shiro had told me not to and I… I went and did it anyway. Couldn’t stand the thought of losing you to that thing.” Lance tried to keep his thoughts in order so he could tell Keith everything in a way that made sense but it was hard. He’d been so scrambled lately that it was difficult to recall what exactly led to what. “I don’t think I slept the first few days you guys were in the pods? Waiting for you to wake up is kind of a blur. Eventually Shiro came down and well… he made it clear how he felt.”

 

Lance felt Keith squeeze his hand and shift a little closer; a solid presence against him. “He shouldn’t have done any of what he has been.” The growl was back. It made Lance smile a little.

 

“I honestly can’t blame him. You two are close and we thought I’d killed you. That’s a lot even for him.” Keith made a non committal noise but didn’t argue. Lance took that as his sign to continue. “Hunk told me that I tried to leave but I don’t remember that. I remember...shooting him. O-Or thinking that I had? But I guess that didn’t actually happen…” Lance frowned in confusion as he thought about his best friend. Hunk had said that he was scaring him and Lance remembered the sound of his bayard going off but it was all so fuzzy. He knew Hunk was fine; he’d just seen him.

 

“I hid myself away from the team. I couldn’t face them; I wasn’t safe. I started to have nightmares even when I was awake. They… I couldn’t…” Lance stumbled and it took him a moment to realize that he was the one shaking now. Those hallucinations had been awful. They’d nearly driven him crazy. He didn’t want to relive them by telling Keith about them.

 

“Lance.” Keith’s voice cut through his growing apprehension. When Lance looked at him, he looked worried but at the same time there was understanding in his eyes. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to or can’t right now.”

 

Lance took a moment to let the relief register. “Thanks.” He finally replied after a deep breath. “They… were really bad but Coran found me eventually, helped me get some sleep.” They really didn’t give Coran enough credit. He did so much for them; he’d have to figure out a way to thank him at some point.

 

Lance shook his head slightly, pulling his thoughts back to here and now. He was kind of surprised that Keith hadn’t interrupted with questions. The red paladin hated not knowing things but Lance appreciated it. This was hard enough as it was. He didn’t want to have to start and stop and start again. “Eventually I stopped seeing things but… I still hear things. Quiznack how do I explain this without sounding crazy?” He muttered as he ran a hand threw his hair.

 

“Does it have to do with you looking at us like we’ve said something when we haven’t? Or muttering to yourself?” Keith asked quietly. Lance couldn’t help but stare at him in surprise.

 

“You noticed?” Disquiet colored his tone. He thought he’d been hiding it well enough. Keith just looked at him in confusion.

 

“Of course I noticed. I’ve…” He looked away from Lance. “Been really worried about you.” He admitted.

 

Lance felt that warm sensation spread through him again along with a twist of guilt. Turning slightly, he pressed his forehead against Keith’s shoulder. Keith stiffened for a brief second before relaxing again. Lance would have to remember that affectionate touches that Keith didn’t initiate were something that Keith probably wasn’t super used to. “Sorry.” He murmured, not sure if he was apologizing for the touch or for making him worry. Maybe it was both.

 

“Don’t apologize.” Keith’s response was immediate; Lance took that as Keith not minding him staying like this. “What are you still hearing?”

 

“...Voices.” It was easier to admit it to Keith’s arm than his face. “The whole team’s.” Stars he really did sound crazy. “It’s exhausting… trying to figure out what you’re saying versus what’s up here.” He tapped his temple with his finger as he sat up. “Even though I’d like to think no one would say the things I hear.”

 

Lance stole a quick glance at Keith. The red paladin wore a troubled expression. “Does anyone else know?” He finally asked though Lance had a feeling that wasn’t the question he really wanted to know the answer to.

 

“Coran and Hunk. Hunk found me mid panic attack right after Y’oscarth. I ended up telling them after I woke up.” Lance replied, hoping that knowing Coran knew would ease Keith’s worries a little.  

 

Instead of looking relieved, Keith just looked more troubled. “Coran doesn’t have any idea how to help?”

 

Lance just shrugged. “Not that he’s told me. He wants me to rest more. It was his idea to have Shiro ground me-”

 

“Wait what?” Keith interrupted, looking surprised and angry at the same time. “What do you mean Shiro _grounded_ you?”

 

“They didn’t tell you guys?” Lance questioned, Keith just shook his head.

 

“Shiro just said that we were going to focus on hand to hand combat for awhile.” He replied with a shrug.

 

Lance couldn’t help but smile ruefully at that. “They grounded me after that training session I screwed up; when I pulled out of forming Voltron. I can’t help but feel that… they’re not going to give her back.” Lance flinched as soon as the words were out; he hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

 

“What are you talking about? Of course they’re going to give Blue back.” Keith argued.

 

Lance just gave him a flat look. “Keith, you have to admit that the team would be better off with a different Blue Paladin, like Allura.”

 

“No, no I don’t have to admit that.” Keith argued. Lance was surprised by how angry he sounded as he moved to stand, arms gesturing in frustrated motions as he spoke. “Because it’s not true. Quiznack Lance, that’s… _you’re_ our Blue Paladin and you’re a damn good one!”

 

Lance couldn’t stop the humourless laugh that left him. “Are you serious right now? I’m just a cargo pilot!” How many times at the Garrison had he been reminded of how worthless he was? “I only proved that on that resource mission-”

 

“That wasn’t your fault!” Keith argued but Lance kept going.

 

“And then again with what happened on Y’oscarth-”

 

“What did happen?!” Keith interrupted again. “You just froze, Lance! You could have shot him, I know how fast you are. You had plenty of time. Why weren’t you fighting with your bayard to begin with?!” He demanded, hands slashing through the air. Lance just sighed. He should have known that Keith’s patience would run out eventually. He was kind of amazed that it had lasted this long. Keith must have heard his sigh or read something on his face because he stopped pacing and ran a hand down his face. “I’m sorry I… I shouldn’t be yelling.”

 

Lance just shook his head and gave Keith a small reassuring smile. It didn’t really bother him any. He knew Keith; knew that not understanding this was driving him crazy. They both could be hot headed sometimes. Lance knew he would be the same if their positions were reversed. “We both were. Come sit?” He asked not bothering to keep the hopefulness out of his tone. Keith deflated a little and moved to sit just as close as he had been, their shoulders touching. The contact was a relief; it let Lance take a breath to steady himself. It was now or never. Hopefully he could make this make sense.

 

“I didn’t use my bayard because I can’t. I don’t trust myself not to hit one of you.” He was terrified of missing; of hitting one of his friends again. “You’re right, I froze on Y’oscarth. As soon as I reached for my bayard I panicked. What if I missed? What if I hit one of you or one of the Y’os? What if I… what if I killed someone?” Lance barely managed to say the last part, his voice was so quiet and shaky. He knew that this was a war; that people had died. That as part of Voltron he had probably killed people but it had never really hit him until he’d almost killed Keith.

 

His hands were trembling again; he clenched them on his legs to try and hide it. “There was a moment when I suddenly realized how… _tired_ I was; tired of fighting the Galra, tired of fighting myself.” Lance could remember how fast the thoughts had come. Maybe it was because everything had felt frozen for that moment. “I thought about how the team would be better off with a different Blue paladin.” He heard Keith inhale sharply next to him but he pressed on, not giving him the chance to speak. “I realized that my family probably thinks I’m dead. It was so easy to just… not defend myself.”

 

“Lance…” Keith breathed, something that sounded like disbelief and disquiet coloring his tone. Lance realized that something like would sound crazy to Red Paladin. The guy had the most intense survival instincts Lance had ever seen. It had saved their butts on more than one occasion.

 

“I didn’t consciously choose not to defend myself.” Lance hurried to explain. The Galra had taken advantage of his hesitation before then. “I didn’t choose to die I just… realized how easy it would be and then before I could snap out of it… it was too late.” He finished quietly, keeping his gaze locked on his hands and away from Keith. He really didn’t want to see the look on his face at that admission.

 

For a while neither of them said anything. It was awful waiting for Keith to say something. Lance didn’t have anymore words and he couldn’t bring himself to ask Keith to say something. He still hadn’t looked at him.

 

“Do-” Keith’s voice broke causing him to stop and try again. “Do you still feel that way?” He sounded like he was afraid of the answer.

 

“No?” Lance winced at how unconvincing he sounded. One glance at Keith told him that he wasn’t convinced either. “Look it’s… complicated.” It was his turn to get up and pace; Keith let him. “I don’t want to… to die. I _don’t_ but I don’t have a place here. The team doesn’t need me!”

 

“ _I need you!_ ” Keith was suddenly standing right in front of him. He looked as surprised as Lance felt by the sudden admission but his expression soon changed to determined acceptance. It was a look Lance had seen often but never directed at him. “I need you. When I saw you go down, when I thought I’d lost you, I…” He hesitated a moment before he stepped closer and took Lance’s hands. Lance could only watch him wide eyed. “I’ve lost people before but I honestly don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” His voice had gotten soft.

 

“Keith…” Lance didn’t know what to say. He’d felt that way about Keith for longer than he’d care to admit and yeah they had kissed but this… this was different. Hearing it was different. It was as terrifying as it was elating.

 

“So don’t say you’re not needed. You are and it’s not just me. The team does need you. Do you have any idea how much you support this team? You taste test everything Hunk makes and give him a little piece of home. You get Pidge to sleep when they need it without losing a limb. You get Allura to laugh when the pressure and shadows start creeping up on her. You’re a supportive ear and hand to Coran all the time.” Lance would never get over how Keith approached everything with so much strength and conviction. “I don’t know what you’ve been hearing in your head but next time they tell you _anything_ tell them to go to hell.” Lance couldn’t help the surprised chuckle that left him at that. It was just such a Keith thing to say.

 

Something wet fell on their hands and Lance realized that he was crying again. That was twice now; so pathetic. Raising his free hand, he pressed it to his face and tried to get himself under control. “And after that,” Lance let Keith pull his hand away from his face and got lost in amethyst eyes. “Come talk to me. I can’t promise I’ll always know what to say or how to help but I can try. We’ll get through this, Lance.” He finished with a reassuring smile.

 

Lance definitely couldn’t stop the tears now. Instead he moved close enough to rest his head on Keith’s shoulder, hiding his face and his tears. It was surprising and comforting to feel Keith’s arms wrap around him. “Damn it… this is going to take some getting used to.” He muttered.

 

“What?” Keith asked in confusion, pulling his arms away like he’d done something wrong. Lance was quick to grab him and keep him close.

 

“You turning me into an emotional flustered mess.” Lance replied, a fond smile on his lips even with the tears. Keith just made a noise and while Lance didn’t look up to find out, he was pretty sure Keith was blushing. “Hey Keith?” He called softly after a moment.

 

“Yeah?” Keith’s response was just as soft. Neither one of them wanted to break whatever was happening right now.

 

“Thanks.” It wasn’t an adequate enough of a word to convey everything that he was feeling but it would have to do. He was so thankful that Keith was trying to understand, that he was willing to stay even though he was as messed up as he was.

 

Keith just hugged him a little tighter in reply. They stayed like that until Lance’s tears finally subsided. “You’re probably exhausted. We should try to get some sleep while we can.” Keith suggested, pulling away slowly.

 

“Yeah, you’re right.” Lance stood up straight, wiped at his eyes, and rubbed his face before shaking himself a little. They really should sleep except Lance didn’t want to be alone but he was also hesitant to ask Keith to stay. He didn’t want to push for too much too fast.

 

He bit his lip as he thought about it and the conflict must have shown on his face because Keith quirked a questioning eyebrow at him. “What is it?”

 

Lance looked at him sheepishly. “I, uh, don’t really want to sleep alone? But it’s fine. I’ll be fine.” When did he get so bad at this? Probably when he figured out his feelings for Keith were more than a simple crush.

 

“I don’t mind staying.” Keith replied. The blush Lance caught on Keith’s cheeks surprised him. Before he could respond, Keith was tugging him towards and then on to the bed, curling around him from behind.

 

Always with the actions instead of the words; it made Lance smile. With Keith so firmly pressed against him it was warm and comfortable and Lance couldn’t help but let himself hope.

 

He wasn’t fixed but maybe, just maybe, he was finally heading in the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, I don’t think I’ve ever written that much dialogue in one setting before to be honest. This chapter was supposed to be much much longer and encompass a lot more for Lance but I had been struggling with some transitions for way too long so I decided to once again split it into a separate chapter. So I’m sorry this one is so short but rest assured that I am back at it and writing the next chapters!

**Author's Note:**

> Dun, dun, duunn! Unless you've read Keith's version then you know what's coming next.  
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed!  
> Please don't hate Shiro. He's got a lot on his shoulders and he's just not handling this well. And don't worry, it's going to get worse before it gets better for Lance but if you read Keith's then you know it does get better so stayed tuned!


End file.
